Sunday, September 30, 2012

internet serial killer book club post...

Melissa and I had a sleepover at Tara's, where we very stereotypically watched Legends of the Fall. It was Melissa's first time seeing this masterpiece, and normally a cynic about sappy stuff, she was all over it.
Duh, Melissa. It's Legends of the Fucking Fall.
Anyway, while lounging around Tara's apartment and using all of her Bumble & Bumble products, I discovered (and subsequently took into my possession) "People Who Eat Darkness."
It is the true story of Lucie Blackman, a 21-year old British woman who disappeared while working as a hostess in Tokyo. The book, by Richard Lloyd Parry, took years to write and has been repeatedly compared to "In Cold Blood." Check out the NYT review.
I'm almost done with the book, and will return it to Tara's, trading it back for my "Bossypants" that sits on her nightstand. I already know what happened to Lucie, and anyone who felt like Googling her could find out too. But this book is SO interesting, and I really want to discuss it.
Other cultural topics I wish to discuss include The Guidices, which team to root for on The Amazing Race (the chick without legs, right?), the genius of both Bill Hader and Will Forte, and how great Heirloom Cafe is.
Next on my reading list is "Gone Girl" on a strong recommendation from Eve, and which ever Mo Hayder mystery arrives next. Mo Hayder, incidentally, is mentioned in "People Who Eat Darkness" as she too once worked as a hostess in Tokyo. Amazing!
One day, I will find someone with creepier interests than me. And I will either marry them, or contact the authorities...

Friday, September 28, 2012

warm up your dvrs...

As I was feverishly assembling my new Ikea furniture, Kate texted me. "You need to watch Breaking Amish. You will LOOOOVVVVVE it."

Conveniently, Kate lives a few blocks away from me, so when I replied that I was indeed starting it, she just came right over. "I've already seen episodes 1 and 2, but I will gladly watch them again."

'Breaking Amish' is a new show on TLC (which is basically the new Bravo, meaning I will watch almost anything they air), and is about 5 Amish 20-somethings "jumping the fence" and moving to New York City. I have always been fascinated by the Amish, Manhattan, and reality shows, so this is the perfect symbiosis of the three.

Rebecca: At first I liked Rebecca, but Kate said, "Wait. She starts to suck." Kate was correct. Rebecca has no teeth (we find out why in the next episode) and has the serious hots for Abe. She is 20, and therefore does not drink. (I know, I don't get it either.) For some reason, the three women were put in a hotel room with two beds, and Rebecca immediately called down to the front desk and demanded a rollaway. How did she even know to do that? She also tried to join Kate (not my cousin watching with me on my couch, but another Amish chick on the show) in modeling in the Big Apple, which is not working out for Rebecca. Maybe it's because SHE HAS NO TEETH.

Abe: Abe is 22, but has male-pattern baldness so he looks like he's about 47. At home on the farm, with his incredibly creepy family, Abe has no problem angrilly announcing that he needs to follow his "dreams" which somehow involve being on a TLC reality show, but when he gets around his castmates, he's all shy and nervous. Abe has finally just "worked up the courage" to ask Rebecca on a date for Thursday night, in what was officially the most awkward moment in television history. Abe finally got "english" clothes, which included shitty Ed Hardy and Von Dutch knock-offs. Upon seeing a microwave in his sleek hotel room, Abe remarked, "This must be some sort of cooker."

Kate: Kate looks exactly like Elisabeth Moss (aka: Peggy Olsen from Mad Men), thus meaning she gets to model in NYC. Kate was apparently busted by her father (THE BISHOP) for wanting to be on TV a few weeks before she got to move to New York, and he kicked her out. She promptly moved in with friends in Florida (how she had money, means, and friends in Florida is never explained), and two days away from the farm, got a DUI. In her mugshot, she is covered in mascara and wearing 'English' clothes. Cousin Kate and I find this highly suspect, but we like Kate. She took the rollaway bed without complaining.

Jeremiah: Jeremiah looks like the unattractive guy from 'Oh Brother Where Art Thou', or as Cousin Kate called him, 'the inbred one.' That observation is interesting, because Jeremiah is one of two cast members who was adopted, and thus feels like he got screwed with this whole 'getting adopted by an Amish family' thing. Jeremiah has apparently been 'shunned' from his Amish community 3 times, which we take to mean, shunning isn't really that big of a deal. All of the cast members are like, "We can never go back now." But Jeremiah's been in and out of Lancaster, PA and it's no big thing. On his first day in NYC, he got a massive tattoo on his shoulder, and rock star 'English' clothes. Jeremiah is on an active search for "hot chicks."

Sabrina: Sabrina is half-Italian and half-Puerto Rican, and like Jeremiah, she was adopted. Sabrina is a Mennonite, which means she is familiar with electricity and cars. Sabrina seems like, as my mother would say, she has her head screwed on right. Although previews of upcoming episodes imply this might not be the case. Occasionally, Sabrina disappears and we only see Abe, Rebecca, Kate, and Jeremiah hanging out in a hotel room together. I'm like "Is Sabrina wandering the streets alone? Where is Sabrina?"

They are staying in two rooms in what appears to be a very chic Hyatt or similar. Rebecca demanded (this is a theme) that the concierge show them how to use the internet, searching for modeling opportunities with Kate. Rebecca also demanded to see the interior of a parked limousine, aka: her dream car, and turns on the lights at 3:30 in the morning for no apparent reason. We hate Rebecca.

Brett promptly informed me that rumors abound about the legitimacy of 'Breaking Amish.' Apparently, it might be fake, with many of the cast members being much more familiar with our modern ways than they let on. I mean, Sabrina was freaked out by an escalator. Anyway, I get the impression from TLC that we're going to learn more about their past as the show progresses. Even Amish people have a past, folks. There is an Amish serial killer after all.

Breaking Amish is basically Season 1 of the Real World ("Could you get the phone?), but with Amish people. Which is to say, even if it is fake, I will be watching this. I will be watching this all season long...

Monday, September 24, 2012

ron swanson would disagree with me...

On today's SFGate Tourist Trapped, Eve, Tim, and I exlored the new Lands End Lookout, which is a very cool Visitor's Center, cafe, and most importantly, STORE. You can read all about my love of government spending HERE.

And also, we had brunch at Louis', and assuming that place has WiFi, I would like to work from there everyday. I wonder if my boss would go for that...

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

just in case you're not into print...

My first magazine article ever ... IS RIGHT HERE.

I am exceptionally excited about this. I don't know how it's any different that writing something online, but it took me months of research and stuff. And by 'and stuff', I mean going to parties...

fake itineraries are BACK...

On this week's SFGate, I create today's fake day-in-the-life of both Ed Lee and Gavin Newsom. (Gavin's not even up yet.) Please, please check it out on the Culture Blog RIGHT NOW...

Wednesday, September 05, 2012


Brian and Melissa are still scratching their heads, but I've been riding (and for the most part, loving) Muni for the past 3 months. Okay, loving might be the wrong word. It's not NEARLY as bad as I thought it'd be.

Parts still suck, obviously. And while I'm learning the ropes of big city public transit, there are still THREE things I can't figure out. It's all up now, on the SFGate Culture Blog...