Friday, September 28, 2012

warm up your dvrs...

As I was feverishly assembling my new Ikea furniture, Kate texted me. "You need to watch Breaking Amish. You will LOOOOVVVVVE it."

Conveniently, Kate lives a few blocks away from me, so when I replied that I was indeed starting it, she just came right over. "I've already seen episodes 1 and 2, but I will gladly watch them again."


'Breaking Amish' is a new show on TLC (which is basically the new Bravo, meaning I will watch almost anything they air), and is about 5 Amish 20-somethings "jumping the fence" and moving to New York City. I have always been fascinated by the Amish, Manhattan, and reality shows, so this is the perfect symbiosis of the three.

Rebecca: At first I liked Rebecca, but Kate said, "Wait. She starts to suck." Kate was correct. Rebecca has no teeth (we find out why in the next episode) and has the serious hots for Abe. She is 20, and therefore does not drink. (I know, I don't get it either.) For some reason, the three women were put in a hotel room with two beds, and Rebecca immediately called down to the front desk and demanded a rollaway. How did she even know to do that? She also tried to join Kate (not my cousin watching with me on my couch, but another Amish chick on the show) in modeling in the Big Apple, which is not working out for Rebecca. Maybe it's because SHE HAS NO TEETH.

Abe: Abe is 22, but has male-pattern baldness so he looks like he's about 47. At home on the farm, with his incredibly creepy family, Abe has no problem angrilly announcing that he needs to follow his "dreams" which somehow involve being on a TLC reality show, but when he gets around his castmates, he's all shy and nervous. Abe has finally just "worked up the courage" to ask Rebecca on a date for Thursday night, in what was officially the most awkward moment in television history. Abe finally got "english" clothes, which included shitty Ed Hardy and Von Dutch knock-offs. Upon seeing a microwave in his sleek hotel room, Abe remarked, "This must be some sort of cooker."

Kate: Kate looks exactly like Elisabeth Moss (aka: Peggy Olsen from Mad Men), thus meaning she gets to model in NYC. Kate was apparently busted by her father (THE BISHOP) for wanting to be on TV a few weeks before she got to move to New York, and he kicked her out. She promptly moved in with friends in Florida (how she had money, means, and friends in Florida is never explained), and two days away from the farm, got a DUI. In her mugshot, she is covered in mascara and wearing 'English' clothes. Cousin Kate and I find this highly suspect, but we like Kate. She took the rollaway bed without complaining.

Jeremiah: Jeremiah looks like the unattractive guy from 'Oh Brother Where Art Thou', or as Cousin Kate called him, 'the inbred one.' That observation is interesting, because Jeremiah is one of two cast members who was adopted, and thus feels like he got screwed with this whole 'getting adopted by an Amish family' thing. Jeremiah has apparently been 'shunned' from his Amish community 3 times, which we take to mean, shunning isn't really that big of a deal. All of the cast members are like, "We can never go back now." But Jeremiah's been in and out of Lancaster, PA and it's no big thing. On his first day in NYC, he got a massive tattoo on his shoulder, and rock star 'English' clothes. Jeremiah is on an active search for "hot chicks."

Sabrina: Sabrina is half-Italian and half-Puerto Rican, and like Jeremiah, she was adopted. Sabrina is a Mennonite, which means she is familiar with electricity and cars. Sabrina seems like, as my mother would say, she has her head screwed on right. Although previews of upcoming episodes imply this might not be the case. Occasionally, Sabrina disappears and we only see Abe, Rebecca, Kate, and Jeremiah hanging out in a hotel room together. I'm like "Is Sabrina wandering the streets alone? Where is Sabrina?"

They are staying in two rooms in what appears to be a very chic Hyatt or similar. Rebecca demanded (this is a theme) that the concierge show them how to use the internet, searching for modeling opportunities with Kate. Rebecca also demanded to see the interior of a parked limousine, aka: her dream car, and turns on the lights at 3:30 in the morning for no apparent reason. We hate Rebecca.

Brett promptly informed me that rumors abound about the legitimacy of 'Breaking Amish.' Apparently, it might be fake, with many of the cast members being much more familiar with our modern ways than they let on. I mean, Sabrina was freaked out by an escalator. Anyway, I get the impression from TLC that we're going to learn more about their past as the show progresses. Even Amish people have a past, folks. There is an Amish serial killer after all.

Breaking Amish is basically Season 1 of the Real World ("Could you get the phone?), but with Amish people. Which is to say, even if it is fake, I will be watching this. I will be watching this all season long...

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