Saturday, October 15, 2011

there was a sign in the front that said, basically, no happy endings...

My apologies for my shitty lack of posting. It's been a weird week, and I've had a lot of homework. I also met MC Hammer on Tuesday and Chelsea Handler on Thursday. I hang out with celebrities on days of the week that start with T. It's kinda my thing.
Tonight, I'll be joining real writers and reading a story (that I still need to work on) for LitCrawl. We'll be in Clarion Alley at 6pm. There are lots of amazing LitCrawl events tonight, and you can check them out here. Because who doesn't love spending their Saturday night listening to poets talk about their feelings?
Yesterday, I cashed in a Bloomspot deal for a Thai Massage. I had never had a Thai Massage before. In fact, my previous professional massage experience was limited to hotel spas, where one's ass is gently swathed in lavender.
Last night, I got the shit kicked out of me.
I was given little Thai pajamas to wear, which were basically cropped scrubs, and then I lay on a mat. All of the massage mats are right next to each other, divided by heavy velvet curtains. There is a bar hanging overhead, and a piece of fabric hanging off the bar. And it's all very deep brown and low-lit and you have to whisper.
So I lay there in my little unisex Thai pajamas on a mat in between two other people on mats, and a very nice woman held onto that piece of fabric and walked up and down my back.
It was like a Cirque de Soleil massage. She was really dancing around up there, pushing herself off the back wall, moving me around, hanging off the bar. It was a little awkward, due to the language barrier and my inexperience, because all of a sudden she started hugging me. I had no idea what was going on, but finally I realized I was supposed to grab her hands. So sitting cross-legged, I cross my arms, she grabs my hands from behind, sticks both of her feet against my back and pulls really, really hard.
All kinds of things moved around in my insides.
Then she hops up in front of me, sticks her foot against my shoulder, grabs onto my thigh and dramatically pushes my torso in different directions.
At one point, she stood on my neck and my face pressed all the way down through the face donut pillow to the mat. It occurred to me that this broad could kill me, but I figured she'd done this before. I wonder, though, if I did die that way, would someone try and spin my death into a weird happy-ending-gone-wrong story?
The whole thing was really quite something. And while there were definitely SEVERAL painful moments, I felt fabulous walking out of there. I also felt very open-minded and self-congratulatory for having a new experience. Hotel spa massages are for wimps. My Thai massage felt like I was having surgery performed, like I was in that Michael Keaton movie where he's dying of cancer and Nicole Kidman makes him try Eastern Medicine.
When I left, I whispered, "Thank you so much." So she said, "Thank you." And I said, "So wonderful, thank you." And she bowed and said, "Thank you."
This went on for 10 minutes...

1 comment:

Clair said...

Good luck tonight. I may be in your audience.