Only Chris screamed at the gorgeous $28 plate of carefully cured meats placed before us, "Oh! Cold cuts! Why didn't you say so!"
He was also drinking martinis, which I blame for the following conversation that went downhill FAST.
Chris: I'm being pretty classy right now.
Beth: I know. I think it's funny.
Chris: See? Who would you rather be here with than me?
Chris: Girls don't count. You know, when I get married, my wife won't let me hang out with you.
Beth: That implies you and I won't get married.
Chris: I will never marry you.
Beth: That's my mother's greatest fear. Wait. Why will you never marry me?
Chris: Three reasons.
Beth: This oughta be awesome.
Chris: Number one, you're too old.
Beth: I beg your pardon.
Chris: At your age, having children is dangerous. You know my rule. No one over 29.
Beth: I thought you only date divorced strippers.
Chris: I thought you only date guys who organize their closets and talk to their mom every day.
Beth: Reason number two.
Chris: You're clumsy and bad at sports.
Beth: Are you kidding me?
Beth: The third, please.
Chris: Will you go see Fast Five with me after dinner?
Beth: Would you like to hear my three reasons I will never marry you?
Chris: I can guess them.
After several terse words, I informed Big Chris the only way I'd forgive him was if we drove to Reno right then and there and got married.
Which brings me to my really exciting announcement...