My perfect friend Catherine that I am in love with is in 7x7 this month. And Brock is quoted repeatedly in it. I regard these developments as getting me two steps closer to breaching the pristine pages of this ridiculous periodical with which I am so desperately obsessed.
I fucking love 7x7. Sue me.
Last week, Catherine and I attended a party at Gump’s, which I attend for the sole purpose of being photographed by someone from Drew Altizer. I have zip, zero, zilch interest in anything that party was celebrating (some book, I think) because all I care about is perfecting my society photographs so I can one day be a good enough person to be included in a tiny photo in a local magazine full of advertisements and Hermes beach towels.
There is a small part of me in which my grandmother still lives and she was in full bloom at Wednesday’s party. Catherine and I followed that photographer around all night, as Catherine politely tolerates my sick, sad needs.
While I know this most recent collection of photos don’t make the grade of the Sunset Beacon much less 7x7, San Francisco Magazine or Paper City. But I think I’m getting better. Or worse, depending on how you look at it.
I did not cross my legs for the standing pose. Brock advises against this as he claims it makes one look like one needs to pee, but Brock is, by his own accord, pin thin. I have the calves of a hearty hill-dweller. So for next time, it’s the standing cross. I’d rather look thinner and holding it, don’t you agree?
The second thing I need to work on for next time is looking at the camera as opposed to the photographer, who I am obviously desperately trying to befriend. I look like David Patterson in this photo.
I’m now at like, 8 physical things to remember: Back straight, head up, chin down, shoulder tilt, medium smile, eyes open, legs crossed and eye on the lens. Remembering all of this in the split second the photographer says, “Can I take a quick shot?” is virtually impossible. I don’t know how those dumb broads do it.
Catherine, who is perfect in every way, feels she needs to work on “taming” her hair.
The third and final lesson I need to work on the next time I am photographed is to not care about something so stupid, shallow and pointless.
But I suspect it’s far more likely I’ll just remember to cross my legs.