Monday, May 09, 2011

no fragrance as foul as the scent of desperation...

My perfect friend Catherine that I am in love with is in 7x7 this month. And Brock is quoted repeatedly in it. I regard these developments as getting me two steps closer to breaching the pristine pages of this ridiculous periodical with which I am so desperately obsessed.
I fucking love 7x7. Sue me.
Last week, Catherine and I attended a party at Gump’s, which I attend for the sole purpose of being photographed by someone from Drew Altizer. I have zip, zero, zilch interest in anything that party was celebrating (some book, I think) because all I care about is perfecting my society photographs so I can one day be a good enough person to be included in a tiny photo in a local magazine full of advertisements and Hermes beach towels.
There is a small part of me in which my grandmother still lives and she was in full bloom at Wednesday’s party. Catherine and I followed that photographer around all night, as Catherine politely tolerates my sick, sad needs.
While I know this most recent collection of photos don’t make the grade of the Sunset Beacon much less 7x7, San Francisco Magazine or Paper City. But I think I’m getting better. Or worse, depending on how you look at it.

I did not cross my legs for the standing pose. Brock advises against this as he claims it makes one look like one needs to pee, but Brock is, by his own accord, pin thin. I have the calves of a hearty hill-dweller. So for next time, it’s the standing cross. I’d rather look thinner and holding it, don’t you agree?
The second thing I need to work on for next time is looking at the camera as opposed to the photographer, who I am obviously desperately trying to befriend. I look like David Patterson in this photo.
I’m now at like, 8 physical things to remember: Back straight, head up, chin down, shoulder tilt, medium smile, eyes open, legs crossed and eye on the lens. Remembering all of this in the split second the photographer says, “Can I take a quick shot?” is virtually impossible. I don’t know how those dumb broads do it.
Catherine, who is perfect in every way, feels she needs to work on “taming” her hair.
The third and final lesson I need to work on the next time I am photographed is to not care about something so stupid, shallow and pointless.
But I suspect it’s far more likely I’ll just remember to cross my legs.

5 comments:

Clair said...

I say bigger smile, and is that a scarf in your hand? Wear it, it's just a little unusual. But then, I'm definitely not destined for even the background of one of those photos, so what do I know?

Beth Spotswood said...

Oh Clair, hot tips. I agree. There's a fine line between big smile and too big smile. I have yet to find the perfect balance.

Brock said...

I'm now technically considered clinically obese. I go back and forth...

Anonymous said...

Maybe start out submitting some shots to the Sunset Beacon and work your way up?!

Both photos are lovely and you and Catherine look fantastic. The Pennysaver would be lucky to have you amongst their society photos and coupons.

Maybe a little something like this next time will convince 7x7.

Seana said...

You should rock the beauty pagent pose (hips at 3/4 turn, front leg slightly bent, ankle of front leg at mid point of back foot, shoulders front). Sounds way more complicated than it is, but it gives you the silouette you are looking for and no look of needing to pee.
BTW, you look great.