Wednesday, May 11, 2011

a dramatic reenactment of a dramatic reenactment...

Whenever I watch Lifetime movies (100% of the time), I wind up texting a friend a question based on the movie that, out of context, would make no sense ... to test their friendship.
For example, I recently watched "Little Girl Lost: The Delimar Vera Story" and sent the following text to Melissa:

"If you thought my child died in a fire but I was convinced she was still alive, would you help me crash a Quinceanera to steal hair from a 6 year old for DNA testing?"

My phone immediately glowed with the deadpan response, "Yes." And then detailed all of the ways Melissa knows how to steal people's hair.

So that was nice. And this TV movie was amazing.

Basically, in this dramatized version of a true story, Delimar Vera was the 10-day old 3rd child of Pedro and Luz Vera of suburban Philadelphia. Pedro's cousin's skanky ex shows up one day and invites herself to the Vera's holiday party.

The holiday party is rocking, Pedro gets wasted and needs to go on a beer run. Also, he's kind of a dick about it. Luz brings her friends, including the skanky cousin's ex (Valerie) upstairs to check on the baby, and places a space heater next to the crib. (Pause for knowing look.)

Luz closes the bedroom window (Pause because Lifetime wants you to know: CLUE!) and they all go back to the party downstairs. Approximately 3 seconds later, the entire house is on fire, emanating from little Delimar's room. (Pause because we're all supposed to blame the space heater.)

Pedro arrives back from his beer run just in time to see the PFD gently carry out a tiny bundle and put it in an ambulance. Luz's "best friend" Tio is all, "OMG, Delimar is dead."

Pedro, who by the way would never hold Delimar, is basically like, "Let's move on."

But Luz is like, "This is bullshit. Delimar is alive. I can feel it."

Needless to say, Skanky Valerie has mysteriously departed.

Since their house burned down, Luz, Pedro and their two boys movie into Tio's basement where Luz keeps talking about, "when Delimar comes back."

Tio gets photos of the fateful party developed and lo and behold, there is a picture of the house on fire and Delimar's window is open! But Luz closed it! Someone must have snuck in and stolen Delimar. Tio pats Luz on the back and rolls her eyes and Pedro can't even handle it and moves out.

Oh, but first, Luz says that if Delimar is so dead she wants to see the body. So Pedro takes her down to the morgue, where they're like, "This isn't a body. It's a burned piece of mattress. Our bad."

This only fuels Luz's flames (see how I did that) that Delimar is still alive. Pedro bounces.

Pages fall off the calendar, six years pass, Luz and her boys are still in Tio's basement and Tio announces, "Come to this random Quinceara with me so I can fix you up with a guy in a bolo tie. You need to get out, you can bring the boys, it'll be good for you."

So Luz agrees and just as she's getting introduced to bolo tie, who should walk into the Quinceara but Skanky Valerie AND HER SIX YEAR OLD "DAUGHTER."

Even though the last time Luz saw her, Delimar was 10 days old, Luz loses her shit, convinced it's Delimar. Tio tries to calm her down but Luz follows the little girl upstairs (the Quinceara is held at a private residence) and starts chatting with her. All of a sudden, Luz says to the little girl, "Oh no, you have gum in your hair." And yanks out a chunk of this kid's hair.


Everyone goes back to the party where all hell breaks lose. Luz accuses Skanky Valierie of kidnapping Delimar and Skanky Valerie calls Luz, "loco" repeatedly.

Oh, and also, Skanky Valerie has pushed this child into acting. She keeps talking about auditions and commercials.

Tio drags Luz out of there and tells her to get a grip. Luz heads down to the police station, assuming she can just hand over her hair sample and get a free DNA test. Alas, no. Then she goes and finds Pedro AFTER SIX YEARS and (this is when I started screaming, "Luz, not yet!") and tries to tell him she saw Delimar at a Quinceara. Pedro is, needless to say, a jerk about the whole thing.

Down in the dumps, Luz is walking home when she runs into a rally for Congressman Angel Crus (over-acted by A. Martinez.) Never giving up, Luz stakes out Congressman Cruz's office and manages to get him to agree to listen to her story (he could see the determination in her eyes) while he walks to lunch.

Cue montage of Luz and Angel Cruz walking all over Philadelphia while she gestures wildly, obviously regaling him with Delimar's story. Finally, he gets to his lunch meeting and Luz asks, "Are you going to get me my DNA test?"

And Angel Cruz says, "You need probable cause and you have to obtain DNA legally."

So Luz sighs and says, "Do you at least believe me?"

And after a long, dramatic pause, Congressman Angel Cruz looks her in the eye and says, "Si."

So Angel Cruz gets back to the office and gets his pals in SVU to look into Skanky Valerie.

Guess who served a year in prison for arson? Skanky Valerie!

This apparently constitutes probable cause and Luz gets her DNA test, but not before Pedro kinda freaks out and says, "I guess it wasn't the space heater" and Skanky Valerie tries to outsmart the DNA test. (Impossible.)

Lo and behold, the girl from the Quinceara WAS Delimar. Once again, Lifetime makes desperate women believe that the impossible is possible. Which is why I love this shit.

I also love Melissa who, like Tio, would let me live in her basement. But unlike Tio, Melissa would believe me about my intuition, help get some DNA on the down low and never, ever try and set me up with someone wearing a bolo tie...


Anonymous said...

Sorry to burst the white bubble here, but Tio must have not had a husband. Or at least not a Latino husband. Because there is no way that Tio could keep her friend and two boys in a basement for 6 years if Tio's husband was Latino. Only his or Tio's mothes and/or menatlly chanllenged family members are allowed to stay that long in Latino household (no, Luz does not count).
This is a public service in the attempt to educate your white readers.

Muchos besos!

Melissa said...

Hells yeah! IUJU times a billion!

Lets get some gum from the Ting campaign and start investigating people...

Not a fan of bolo ties either said...

So, unless you're 11, bolo ties are a fashion don't?

Shenanigans afoot? said...

After this post mysteriously disappeared, I thought, did Lifetime's lawyers actually request deletion of your dramatic recreation of a dramatic recreation for a few disparaging bolo tie remarks?

And like that, now it's back. Sans comments, though. Is the memory of being an 11 year old bolo tie aficionado too much for the comments section?

Esther said...

I.Love.This.Post! Going to start watching Lifetime now.