Tuesday, February 22, 2011

you smile, i smile...

We thought it would be funny. We thought it would be a big joke. But as we emerged from the movie theater at 10:30 last night, all three of us adult women were saying the same thing.
"In all seriousness, I kinda respect Justin Bieber."
That's right. I saw Justin Bieber: Never Say Never last night. And I fucking loved every 3D second of it. I went with my new friend Catherine, who I'm a little bit in love with. I may be talking about her too much. My other friends are starting to get jealous.
"I just want you to know that even though you talk about her like she's the coolest person in the world, I'm not threatened in the least." - Melissa Griffin.
And Catherine brought her co-worker Elizabeth. I now also find Elizabeth the coolest person in the world. We met in the Westfield Food Court and chatted over dinner on plastic trays.
"Oh my God, Justin Bieber. I know nothing about him, yet I am excited."
"I already bought our tickets." Catherine announced. "I will be pissed if this is sold out."
We walked over to the Metreon, giddy with the thought of joining tween girls as they screamed at the screen. But first, Catherine and Elizabeth needed to get some fro-yo and I was kinda wandering after them, easily confused.
"Wait, where are we going?" I asked.
"C'mon, Beth. It's not complicated. Get with the program." Catherine smiled. (I love her!)
We walked into the theater, only to find it completely empty save for a family with two toddlers. At 8:30 on a school night.
"Where do you guys want to sit?" I asked.
Elizabeth looked around the virtually empty theater. She motioned to the family and deadpanned towards them, "Well, they already took the best seats." (I love her!)
The lights dimmed and we quickly selected the second best seats, settling in with out 3D glasses.
"OMG! Justin Bieber!" We giggled, having no idea really, who the hell Justin Bieber is.
And then, after some weird 3D previews, Justin Bieber: Never Say Never began. It was about 7 minutes into it when I leaned over and whispered, "You guys? This is the greatest movie I've ever seen in my life."
It's no secret that I loved the New Kids on the Block with every fiber of my being throughout the late 1980's. So like a recovering heroin addict, I'm already susceptible to the clutches of male-based teen sensations. It's a familiar high that takes seconds to kick in. I don't want to need it. But I do.
Goddamnit, I fucking love this shit.
Just go with me for a second. Justin Bieber: Never Say Never in 3D is like a really good Behind the Music. In 3D. First of all, you're just being a contrarian asshole if you're going to try and deny that Justin Bieber is insanely, naturally talented. I realize the words I just typed. I don't care. I have Bieber Fever.
There's all of this footage from his childhood (last week) where it's obviously that Justin is a musical prodigy. Plus, he's really sweet and confident and loves his Canadian grandpa. Justin's mom gave birth to him when she was like, 11 and his dad split soon thereafter. Although Daddy Bieber makes it to Madison Square Garden that the-son-he-abandoned sold out in 22 minutes.
So basically, Justin's mom is my age and just stoked that her adorable son made hundreds of people millionaires in 365 days, and Justin is now being raised by his slightly douchey manager/discoverer/colleague of Usher, Scooter, his vocal coach everyone calls "Mama" and some hired 20-something friend who wears lots of knit caps.
When Michael Jackson was awarded some sort of posthumous Video Music Award, Justin apparently turned to Scooter and whispered, "Don't let that hapen to me."
Shocking even myself. I knew like, half of Justin's songs that he sings on stage periodically throughout the movie. And they're all super cheesy but now I want to take hip-hop dance classes and know who Ne-Yo is.
Justin is very polite, for example when Boys II Men have to like, begrudgingly come on stage and sing back-up on Justin's (amazingly wonderful) song, "You Smile", Justin comes up to them privately (on camera in a movie) and is all, "It's a honor, you guys."
Even my friend and editor Peter wrote, in his review of NSN, that he found it "surprisingly tolerable."
So, so true. Mainly because there are lots of quick shots of hilarious 12 year old girls saying hilarious things about Justin Beiber. And like, weird-looking chicks sobbing in the audience. And by the time they pick the girl from the crowd to be "One Less Lonely Girl" and pull her on stage so Justin can sing to her AND give her a dozen long-stemmed red roses, Catherine, Elizabeth and I were on the edges of our seats, KINDA FREAKING OUT.
So while I totally disagree with Bieber's recent thoughts on abortion, I think he looks weird, his favorite color is purple and he'll probably end up killing someone in a decade, but ...I will gladly go see Justin Bieber: Never Say Never in 3D again.
And again.
And again...


Seana said...

First of all, I love the Label "life-changing cinematic masterpieces".

Secondly, I'm kinda jealous. I don't dare get interested in Justin Beiber. I've been consciously avoiding him because, what if I have this reaction? What if I like him? I'm OLDER than his mom and that would just be weird and more than a little creepy.

Anonymous said...

Good article - I totally agree - loved the movie, too. The reason Bieber doesn't like abortion is because he likely could have been one (young mom; absent dad) so I agree with him on that too. Grandpa talked me into keeping my beautiful kid too. (too many knee-jerks 'women's rights' zombies ready to snuff their kids because they haven't thought it out)