No. Let's discuss.
This Amazing Race Season deals with unfinished business. And by unfinished business, they mean that all of the popular losers from seasons past are back for their second chance at ruining their relationship for a million dollars! (Briefly, the Amazing Race is on CBS Sunday nights at 8 and involves teams of two racing around the world being super stressed out while doing all sorts of fucked up challenges. You should watch it.)
At 7:55 last night, I got a text from my co-worker Bill. "I hope you and your mom are ready for this shit."
Speaking only for myself, I was feverishly rocking back and forth in front of the TV waiting for Unfinished Business to get started.
Immediately, I forwarded his text to my mother which served as her reminder that "our show" was on. My mother's first text as the show started was, "My God, these people are stupid."
So let's talk about the teams, because according to Twitter last night, everyone had shit to say about this. Bear in mind, these are all teams that have competed on the Amazing Race before, and lost. They're also teams that, according to someone in casting, America either loved, or loved to hate:
Amanda & Kris: Who? Idiots who are engaged. We hate them. They didn't know what Quantas is. What kind of man is named Kris?
Gary & Mallory: Gary was some kind of professional sports coach and his daughter Mallory was Miss America or similar. They have Souther accents and I want to not like them but I like them. I can't help it! I am a wonderful person.
Flight Time & Big Easy: Former Harlem Globetrotters, I think Bill is rooting for Flight Time & Big Easy. I find them very funny and easy-going but I don't think either one of them will receive engraved invitation to join Mensa anytime soon. They get other teams to help them a lot, and never really reciprocate.
Jamie & Cara: These former NFL cheerleaders wear so much mascara to like, swim with sharks and rappel off the Eiffel Tower and eat maggots, I'm amazed they can keep their eyes open. I don't hate them. That's as far as I'm willing to go with these two.
Jet & Cord: Jet & Cord are the cowboy brothers from Oklahoma who say, "Oh mah gravy!" and never take their cowboy hats off as a matter of weird, unspoken man-pride. I love them, but they ended up dead last in last night's cliffhanger, so who knows how long we'll bask in their innocence.
Kent & Vyxsin: Go Goth idiots! Just to give you an indication of what we're dealing with, Vyxsin, the less annoying of the two amazingly enough, had a panic attack in the Australian shark tank last night, and then she decided to focus on how Kent's dad just suddenly dropped dead and voila! Out of the tank!
LaKisha & Jennifer: I love these two. Why? "I don't want to promote any stereotypes about African Americans, but no. We cannot swim." They're funny and tall sisters. So I have to like them.
Margie & Luke: I am torn. I want to like the mom and her deaf son. I really do. Only Margie & Luke are super fucking annoying and complain all the time. And it's not even Margie so much. It's that Luke! For someone who can't really talk, he needs to shut up.
Mel & Mike: YAY MEL & MIKE! Mel is the 70-year old openly gay, Midwestern Minister father of Mike, who is Mike White from School of Rock. Also a gay. Obviously, I love the legitimate celebrity component of this team. (As I live near an ocean, Chinese food and Barney's, I don't regard anyone involved in Miss America or cheerleading as a celebrity.) Mel is very affectionate and emotional. Mike is very deadpan, soft-spoken and sweet to his dad. And according to, "Next week on the Amazing Race," Mike cries!
Ron & Christina: I vaguely recall this Asian American father-daughter team from a previous season of the Amazing Race. I think the jist is the dad is mean. I found them forgetable and am confused as to why they're back.
Zev & Justin: Another team I love, Zev is delighted to announce he has Asperger's Syndrome and is hilarious and blunt. Justin is hot and patient with Zev, which is really sweet, but he seems like the kind of guy who gets psyched about going camping.
And we're left hanging this week, with a big To Be Continued! I found this season premiere particularly amazing as one group of teams made an early plane to Australia, with a bummed out second group of teams on a plane 2 hours behind them. But, and this is why anything can change in a second on the Amazing Race, some random passenger on the first plane had a heart attack and they had to emergency land in Hawaii. The second plane passed them, all due to a fucking heart attack!
Whatever you missed, you can watch online. Which you should. Because this race really is amazing...