Saturday, January 01, 2011

"no one else is gonna think this is funny" - alex

Happy New Year! I've been enjoying 2011 for awhile now, because I get advance copies of everything, and so far, so good. Vienna rang in the new year, which everyone here calls Silvester for some reason, by having a huge party path through town with different stages at various points along the main drag. My parents had told us about this, but Alex and I were skeptical. My parents subscribe to the theory that "THIS IS A FOREIGN COUNTRY AND EVERYTHING IS DIFFERENT AND THAT IS HOW THEY DO THINGS HERE."
There was a big to-do as the super chic Skopik & Lohn over how to order water in German. Lots of drinking from imaginary cups and, "Ask for vatah! VA-Tah."
So when the young Austrian server came over, I, in the hopes of driving my mass-globalization point across, casually mumbled, "Can we please get a bottled of still water?"
And the guy who basically looked like Brad from Rachel Zoe was like, "No prob."
So when my parents tried to tell us that we shouldn't make New Years plans because the city erupts into a massive street party, Alex and I kind of rolled our eyes and said, "This isn't Rio."
Much to my horror, my parents were right. Hundreds of thousands of obnoxious drunk people all piled onto the path for fireworks and public drinking. We rang in the New Year to an amazing fireworks display on the steps of Austrian Parliament and then walked the path.
Once again arm and arm with my sibling on NYE, Alex and I were bundled up as it started to snow. Each stage was maybe 2 football fields apart and had a different type of music. And along the way, the massive cobblestone streets were overflowing with revelers, dancing and drinking from champagne bottles. They rocked out to any and all music.
The first stage was an American funk band. I have no idea what they were called, but it was cool standing there watching and imagining the singer trying to convince his parents, "Seriously. I'm huge in Austria. Austria. You know, the country? It's by Germany."
The next stage was, shocker, a DJ. Please imagine the most stereotypical German-speaking DJ you can. Think SNL sketch. That was this guy. I loved it, mainly because this is what I was hoping for, you know? I've come so far. Give me Dieter.
At this point, it was 12:30, I'd rung in the new year, I was standing on cobblestone in kitten heels and no socks in the snow while drunk mail order brides bumped into me. So we decided to walk down the path to one more stage and watch for awhile. On it were 5 women dressed as snow bunnies dancing around, bachelorette party style, while another DJ played hits of the 80's. We arrived to "I Had The Time Of My Life" from Dirty Dancing, which I dutifully sang. And then, as the next song began, my brother said, "No. It can't be."
"What? What?" We asked. "What can't it be?"
It was the theme from Baywatch. The place went nuts. (I have it on video, but my brother refuses to allow me to post it...because he knew all the words and sang them enthusiastically with a bunch of drunk Austrian dudes.)
After that glorious moment, singing the Baywatch song with a bunch of German speakers, Alex and I decided to walk back to the hotel and call it a goddamn night. We had to walk back the same way we came, and once again, passed Dieter the DJ. To no one's surprise, he was playing, "I Gotta Feeling" by the Black Eyed Peas. Alex and I kinda rolled our eyes and were like, "Oh really? We're playing this song?"
But then we started dancing down the cobblestone. And then I started busting my hilare club moves. I don't need booze to be that chick. I can rock that party fueled by Diet Coke alone. I was selling the running man in the middle of Vienna while my brother busted out the cabbage patch when we got to the part of the song where they go, "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. Thursday, Friday, Saturday to Sunday."
And my brother says, "That's so dumb. They just didn't want to think of lyrics. So they're like, 'Days of the Week!'"
"I know!" I said. "Why not months of the year?"
"January, February, March April and May."
So then we started filling in anything. It all works. Crimes (Murder, auto theft, burglary and stalking), fruits (apples, oranges, pears and bananas) and our favorite:
"Venus, Mars, Jupiter, Uranus."
We haven't stopped. Everywhere we looked at brunch this morning, it came to us. "Cold cuts, cheese plates, muffin baskets, coffee. Nut-nut-nutella!"
Try it. Look around yourself right now and try it...

1 comment:

Svetlana said...

The mail order bride racket (and Wet Seal) has a powerful enemy in you.

Actually, who knew there are so many preconditions? I thought they just dropped 'em off like a pizza.