Thursday, January 13, 2011

i bet diane has some shit to say about this...

Lately, Brock, Eve and I have spent a lot of time marveling at the Nob Hill Gazette's bizarre, nonsensical lifestyle advice. I would go so far as to say, we love it. Occasionally, I actually applaud. But the NHG is getting their pampered asses kicked by today's issue of Gywneth Paltrow's GOOP, which features a day in the life of San Francisco socialite Juliette de Baubigny. And no, I don't know how to pronounce that either.
Let's take a look at the world according to Juliet, who is living in the same city as me, yet apparently lives simultaneously on another planet.

"I'm an early bird—so I try to seize "Juliet time" first thing in the morning. I get up between 5:30am - 6am and quickly scan my email. Then my priority is exercise. If I can work out each day, I'm a really happy person. And let's face it, if you are getting up on a cold morning in the dark it had better be fun. I've found that having a trainer come to my house on a Monday really motivates me—she's knocking at the front door so going back to sleep is NOT an option. ... I bring my iPad and use the Flipboard app to curate my social media (Facebook, Twitter and categories that are important to me: business, technology, style, design, fashion). The iPad is a lifesaver for me: in 30 minutes, I have read everything that I need to start my day!"

From now on, everyone needs to refer to "curating" their Facebook. So just adopt that right now. It's important to know that Juliet is a mother of two, and her husband will tell you she likes to "do it all." She's a venture capitalist and on the board of Product (RED) which was founded by Bono, so please take a moment of Juliet time and sit in bewildered awe at that.
Anyway, on with Jules' day.

"Breakfast: super important and always super-rushed with the pressure of everyone being out of the door at 7:45am. I really make a point of sitting down with my children—even if it's for 15 minutes. A great time saver is to make steel cut oatmeal, put it in a ceramic bread loaf pan and slice it each morning, add a drizzle of maple syrup, milk and 45 seconds in the microwave—healthy breakfast in seconds and I can make it last over 3 - 4 days!"

Jules goes on to detail other breakfast options, the kind of recipes that involves handfuls of seasonal berries.
But on to hair and make-up!

Hair: A great time saver is to have a weekly blow out. This means that you don't need to wash your hair each day—the time that you save with a blow out can save you minutes in the morning.

Agree. I want weekly blowouts for my birthday.

Makeup: I was given an amazing present of a makeup lesson with Wallet Lubrich. She taught me how to do my daily makeup in 5 minutes. No joke, I can dress, do my make up and be out the door in 15 minutes.
I always make a point of doing the school run in the morning. It's a really important moment in my day. This fall, my children started at the same school, which is such a time saver for me. Our 15 minute drive together is treasured time and I really feel that we all start our day on the right foot.

Who the hell is named Wallet?

My Day: Is a blur from the minute that I arrive in the office but that's how I like it. I have the benefit of an amazing assistant, without whom I could not make it happen (Thank you, thank you, Diane). My day is packed back-to-back from the moment that I arrive until the moment that I leave. When I'm driving to a meeting, I bring a call list with me so that I can quickly return calls. On a Friday afternoon, I'm given the list of outstanding calls/topics/decisions that I need to make over the weekend. I carve out key moments during the weekend to do emails and return calls. During other windows, I turn my Blackberry off so that I can focus 100% on my children and my husband.

6pm - 7:30pm is family time, as many nights of the week as I can make it. Conference calls happen before or after that window, same for email. Giving 100% attention and quality time to my children is key, particularly when I've been out at work all day.

Bed: By 10:30—if I can!"

What exactly, Juliet, happens between 7:30 and 10:30? I'm assuming glamorous parties, although sometimes, as evidenced in Juliet's Top 10 Time Savers, she goes to Sheryl Crow concerts.
Also, she has acupuncture appointments at 9:30 at night. Genius! Ever stress about last minute gift-giving? Yeah, you probably do. Because you're a lazy idiot UNLIKE JULIET.

"I keep the gifts in transparent plastic tubs and then wrap in groupings, tagged with a sticky label that indicates the content of the gift. I have an accordion file that is filled with birthday cards labeled by category: child birthday, adult birthday, Valentines Day, Halloween etc. That way, I can always have a card at the ready to send."

Jules works full time, so she can't sit in an idling minivan in front of Burke's all day.
"So I organize one or two key moments during the school year to have the class over for a project—that way my children see me interacting as "Mummy" and I can connect with their friends and mothers."

I'm just going to let you marinate on that one.

"I can't see my girlfriends as much as I would like and I really need that girl time. Also, your girlfriends are the ones that give you great timesaving tips, keep you grounded and make you laugh. I try to organize a girls’ night once a quarter and do something really fun together."

Fuck Melissa, Tara and Leslie for never giving me timesaving tips. Who are these bitches and why are they my friends? I am downgrading our friendships from constant to quarterly.

And finally, things that make Juliet's life "really amazing":

Watching Mad Men with her husband (who frowns on her online shopping sprees, the asshole.)
Taking the time to give big long hugs.
Hiking amidst the Redwoods
And 7 hours UNINTERRUPTED sleep.

But wait. You're not done. Stella McCartney and Gywneth Paltrow detail their days, which are somehow WAY less annoying than Juliet's. This is saying something as Gwyneth dares to bless us with, "At 6:30 pm we all get in the bath and it’s hair washing night for the kids (every other night—never popular). Then back downstairs to check on cupcakes and have a visit from an auntie and uncle. The kids indulge in a super sugary cupcake before bed but I don’t feel too bad because they had a brown rice stir fry for dinner with baked sweet potato on the side. It’s all about balance!"

It certainly is! Read the whole thing here, and then seize some you time...


SAMPLE said...

How hard is her trainer working her out if her blowout stays intact?

Leslie said...

I was just coming in to say the above comment. If you can work out everyday and not have to wash your hair everyday then you are not doing it right.

Melissa Griffin said...

You're right Beth, I've been remiss. He're a timesaving tip: stop reading GOOP.


Anonymous said...

Melissa Griffin FTW!

LB said...

As least she has a job. Most in her 'hood would say that managing the nanny would be a full time job.

Steve Keller said...

Juliette is out of my demographic.
How do you compete with someone who is must be exhausting.
My biggest accomplishment today...
I saved a dollar on a Safeway sandwich.

Gretchen said...

My husband begs me for a weekly blowout.

Peter said...

Thank you for posting this. I've never felt better about the lifetime I'll be spending in the middle class.
I'm guessing Juliet's husband has to check a spreadsheet to find out when he's having sex. Quarterly.

Anonymous said...

Beth - You have inspired a new bumper sticker... "What would Juliet do?"

Anonymous said...

i read this on goop when it came out sadly, and every time it pops into my had (i've tried to banish it from my mind, like a horror movie or stories about child abduction) i've wanted to vomit just a tiny bit into my own mouth. thank you for your commentary and for addressing this mess; one question: is this person a celebrity of some sort? are we supposed to care about how she runs her life? does she live in san francisco even? is there a suburban version of the nob hill gazette? so many questions. you know her nanny read goop and wanted to stab her own eyes out.

Anonymous said...

Solid rumor has it that Lady Juliet and her husband are getting divorced..probably not enough weekly blowouts?