I clicked on the Huffington Post article entitled, "10 Airport Security Tips for the Holidays" because maybe with these body scanner things and snow fiascoes in Europe, I should bone up on any new nonsense from the TSA. Actually, I don't find security nonsense. I regard anything getting me safely to fucking Poland in a snowstorm as worth my time.
So join me in this gripping, helpful and unexpected Top 10 List from the HuffPo on Tips for Going Through Airport Security. A tip, by the way, is defined as, "A piece of confidential, advance, or inside information, A helpful hint."
Here we go:
1. Bring Proper ID.
-Oh really? They'll want to check my ID? You don't say.
2. Remember Your Boarding Pass.
-See number one. We're not going to the goddamn opera. Your ID is your boarding pass these days. And by these days, I mean since October of 2001.
3. Be nice. (They go on to elaborate, "Don't threaten the TSA agent, don't joke about bombs and don't get physical with the screener.")
-So "no bomb jokes" is now "inside information."
4. Check your liquids.
-That's what she said.
5. Put Items in Security Bin
-It is at this point in the list of "tips" that I was like, "Oh, I need to respond to this shit."
6. Wear slip-on shoes.
-Mind your goddamn business. First of all, if I need to run through burning jet fuel, I'd like my (leather-soled) shoes firmly fastened to my feet. Second of all, I wear my bulkiest shoes when flying so they don't take up valuable suitcase room. And anyway, they're the best for running through burning jet fuel. 90% of crashes have survivors. I'm betting those people weren't saving their own lives in kitten-heeled mules flopping against their heels.
7. Take your electronics out.
-They make you! This isn't an option. That's like saying, buckle your seat belt for take off and landing. Anyone who has managed to find the power button on a laptop (much less anyone reading the Huffington Post!) knows how to get a laptop through security.
8. Stash winter coats away. (More elaboration, "Put your winter coat in your carry on or in your checked bag – this saves time from having to take it off in the security line.")
-Breathe in. Then breathe out. Then breathe in again.
9. No hazardous items.
-This tip is paired with the following photo:
10.No banned items.
-Specifically mentioned: fireworks.
Anything else, folks? Should I do a cartwheel through the metal detector? At which point to I let them scan my gun? And what is so hazardous about blind people?
I thought by tips, we'd find out how to get in the first class, easy-breezy security line, how to avoid a naked photo of yourself making the rounds on Facebook, whether or not underwire bras really do set off the metal detectors.
But no. None of that. Just the vitals. Like TAKE OFF YOUR COAT...