The only real thing wrong with Brian is that he's not married to me, a fact my mother still struggles to accept. To mention all of the ways Brian is one of the better people on the planet would take decades. So today, on his 837th birthday, I bring to you my Top 10 favorite things about Brian Devine:
10: His rosemary focaccia
9: His cruel judgement of everyone in town except for me and Melissa
8: When I thought someone had broken into my house and called 911 and all these cops stormed in and I got ready to die, my first call was to Brian
7: Brian is the most generous person I've ever met in my life
6: His beautiful rendition of the Golden Girls theme song, on command
5: Brian can say anything irreverent he wants. He volunteers, he donates money, he's married to a man, he recycles AND composts...and so he can talk LOADS of shit and get away with it. It's awesome
4: Brian Devine makes his own soap and scented candles in a craft room at his beach house where I've been given my own wing, en suite
3: He gives everyone the benefit of the doubt until they do something to offend him, and then he hates them with the heat of a thousand suns
2: Brian only stays at fancy hotels. It's never occured to him to do otherwise
1: Brian Devine has been a friend to me through thick and thin (literally), ups and downs, highs and lows. He makes me feel safe, funny, beautiful and loved. He is the fucking wind beneath my wings and I would be a much more horrible person without Brian in my life.
Happy Birthday, Devine! I love you.