I have joined two Fantasy Football Leagues. I know. I can't believe it either. And I'm in last place in both of them. I know. Makes perfect sense to me too. My work league team is the Golden Ponies. And Grey Cloud has a league as well. In his, I'm the Sensitive Unicorns.
Picking team names was daunting enough.
But actually moving these players around, figuring out the logistics of adding and dropping people, starting and benching players, percent owned and points earned? It's way more complex than I initially assumed. I mean, don't Big Gulp people go this in their underwear while collecting disability?
My co-workers Carlos and Bill finally took a look at my teams and had an intervention.
"Beth, why would have drafted these people?"
I confessed that the Sensitive Unicorns were selected based solely upon the originality of their names.
"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard."
"This is ridiculous."
"I'm offended as a sports lover."
So I had to get rid of Knowshon Moreno, BenJarvus Green-Ellis and Nehemiah Broughton. And they made me draft Michael Vick.
"He's paid his debt to society, Beth."
"He made amends with the animal rights activists."
"People fuck up."
I'm not pleased, but I'm less pleased being in last place. It's what they'd expect of me, and no one seemed amused by the Sensitive Unicorns original draft strategy anyway.
Michael Vick is now a Sensitive Unicorn.
Bill tried to appease me. "Alright, what about Legadu Naanee? He's got a great name and he might do really well this season."
"Are you nuts?" Carlos said. "Do not keep Legadu Naanee."
I hemmed. I hawed. Legadu Naanee is an awesome name.
"Listen, Carlos." I said. "I've got to make this interesting for me too."
"Fine." He went back to work on his computer. "It's your funeral..."