Awards shows are my reason for living. Whenever times get tough, I'm down in the dumps and can't seem to find a way to go on, celebrities congratulate themselves with the perfect symbiosis of show biz and fashion and I snap right out of my slump.
Last night was the Emmys!
I was on a Tweeting frenzy the whole time, but I have some additional thoughts to share with you now:
Like anyone with half a brain, I flipped between NBC and E! for most of the red carpet and can report that Billy Bush makes Ryan Seacrest look like Walter Cronkite. Billy Bush not only asked Jon Hamm and his girlfriend of 12 years when the planning to make it "official" but he revealed the part of Jimmy Fallon's opening number featuring Kate Gosselin. A tan Fallon handled the moment with a nice passive aggressive barb from my own repertoire.
January Jones' entire career must be some elaborate episode of Punk'd. She was dressed like a background dancer from Starlight Express. And she can barely be bothered to form an complete sentence. Enough Betty Draper! Enough!
Speaking of people I hate, Claire Danes has developed the Gwyneth Paltrow "I send a lot of time in the UK" accent. Could anything be more annoying? Oh, I know. Acting superior when we all know you've sold out to eyelash pharmaceutical enhancement commercials. Her eyelashes did look spectacular, but I'd have rather heard WAY more from Temple Grandin.
Incidentally and much to my surprise, Big Chris has actually seen Temple Grandin on HBO and explained the story line to me, which I would re-explain here but his version of events was really, really offensive. Even to me.
Who's brilliant idea was it to ask Manny from Modern Family whose ass he wanted to tap (paraphrasing) on the red carpet? He was all, "Um, I'm nine, asshole." (paraphrasing.)
Phil Dunphey is a perfect human being. Someone's getting shifted out of my Top 5 for this guy. I love him. He wore a grey velvert tux with nary a knowing smirk. The whole Modern Family sweep made my night. I love them all except for Julie Bowen, but I think it's her job to be kinda annoying.
Oh! Oh! Oh! If Matthew Morrison mentions "women" or "chicks" or "I love to have sex with females, America!" one more time, I'm going to boycot Glee (lie.) If he wants to be closeted, fine. But he doth protest too much. And I find it offensive.
Jimmy Fallon did a great job hosting. His opening number was so awesome, my mother called and left a message telling me, "If you're not watching the Emmy's you really should because this Opening Number is just wonderful." You know why I didn't answer my phone, mom? Guess.
The pairing of Jon Hamm and Betty White was inspired. As was giving Cameron from Modern Family an Emmy. For a million different reasons, this warmed my heart.
Ryan Murphy, the creator of Glee seems really intimidating and scary. You don't need to overcompensate anymore! You've made it! Alternately, the head guy from Modern Family, Steven Levitan seems like the most wonderful person in the world.
Who knew Julia Ormond was an idiot? Anyone?
The in Memoriam is always the highlight of any awards show. A true testament of success is inclusion in an awards show death montage.
Top Chef won and as a producer was thanking everyone on behalf of all of the Top Chef team, Padma just couldn't stand by and keep her mouth shut. Oh no. She kept leaning forward into the microphone to shout shit. Her necklance, which I kinda liked, kept clanging around. It was all too much.
Since when did Al Pacino become a crazy old man? I love him, I always will. I'm just saying I don't want to grab a drink with the guy. Also, Jack Kervorkian in the audience was pretty fantastic.
The show eneded a full minute early, which is a modern miracle. So I handed Big Chris the remote. Lo and behold, he discovered that the BET Awards were just starting. To me, in my awards show frenzy, the Emmys AND the BET Awards was a glorious embarrassment of riches.