Thursday, April 15, 2010

come here often...

I recounted a rather embarrassing experience to my mother, who thinks it's the funniest thing she's ever heard. Perhaps you'll enjoy it as well. I, on the other hand, need to stop typing every few seconds to cover my face in embarrassment.
My flight from Atlanta to San Francisco on Monday was late at night. We left Savannah at 10pm, and I was smack dab in the middle of our plane in my standard window seat. Next to me was a United States Marine who was flying home to surprise his family, whom he hadn't seen in a year. And next to him was a gorgeous young woman who promptly fell asleep.
The plane was very dark as we flew across the country. Everyone was either fast asleep or watching the little TV screens on the backs of the chairs in front of them. Very few people had their reading light on and of course, it was pitch black outside. 2 hours into the flight, midnight Atlanta time, I tried to fall asleep. I was wildly uncomfortable, I felt gross and cramped. But my whole row had fallen asleep and there was no way I was going to wake up this American hero so I could stretch by the bathrooms.
The Marine, by the way, was Filipino with very big muscles. He sat in that center seat with his feet square on the floor and his hands in his lap, as I imagine he'd been trained to do. And he looked a lot like my burrito buddy, Big Chris. Also, I'd like to point out, I've spent most of my life travelling with my brother. Flights of any real length have historically been spent next to Alex, and we're used to taking care of each other as we travel.
Ugh. Okay. Here goes.
So with everyone on that plane asleep and finding myself stuck, really in my cramped window seat, I balled my Windbreaker up into a pillow and tried to rest. I slipped in and out of consciousness for about an hour, and when I woke up, the man next to me had shifted forward, resting his elbows on his tray table and sleeping with his head in his face.
In my haze, confusion and general disorientation, the man next to me seemed like Big Chris or my brother. His presence felt very familiar and the poor guy was uncomfortably trying to sleep on his elbows.
I reached over and lovingly scratched his back.
I know. I know, I know, I know.
The second I did it, I woke the fuck up and realized that I just molested a United States Marine somewhere over Kansas. The Marine sat right up, unsure of what happened and looked over at me.
"Oh my God." I whispered. "I thought you were my brother."
I started laughing a little, out of sheer horror and shock at what I'd done. The Marine didn't say anything, but sat back in his chair and stared straight ahead. And then we sat like that for another 2 or 3 hours. I have no idea how long it was. It fucking felt like 10...

16 comments:

Brett said...

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!

Brittney said...

I cannot stop laughing. This shit is hysterical.

Anonymous said...

He didn't say anything back??? You're lucky he didn't karate chop you or something...

Lisa said...

So, that should have had a warning. I was not paying attention in class (obvs) when I got to the end of your post and literally laughed out loud. The professor then sensing my amusement decides to call on me. I have no possible answer. She says, "Well you were apparently having more fun than us."

Your embarrassing moment turns into mine.

Justine said...

Oh.my.god... that is hilarious. I'd love to have been a fly on the wall when he recounted his version of the story :)

Molly Crosland said...

Love it Beth! Your life really should be on TV.

Brock said...

I would die.

Yolande said...

That's friggin' hilarious! Just scared the folks around me...cackling like a maniac...hee heehee

Gomer Pyle said...

I just molested a United States Marine somewhere over Kansas.

Coincidentally, that's also copacetic with the pope.

Ramón said...

Wow, we were this close from seeing a photo of you on a post office wall. Or worse, having an air marshall arrest you and having your parents spring you on bail.

Cali said...

That was so funny it made me snort! It's too bad he didn't at least try to make you feel a bit better. Do you think he was more disturbed by the loving scratch or the fact that you thought he was your brother?

Coincidentally, my mother owns a bail bond company so if you find that you've molested someone who presses charges, we can help, nationwide. We even offer payment plans. Confidentiality guaranteed, in case you'd rather not write about it. Just let me know.

Sparkie said...

You just prompted a new internet response for me: GOL, gasp out loud. On the bright side, you didn't have to go to the bathroom anymore...

Rebecca @ Diary of a Virgin Novelist said...

Oh lord! I am embarrassed for you!

A Panda said...

Moments like this remind me of being in the middle of a store, thinking you see someone you know, call out "Sarah!Hey, Sarah! SARAH!!!!!" Only to get their attention and realize that it is SO not Sarah. Not Sarah at ALL.

... but, what happened to you is still way worse. I cant believe he didnt even go back to sleep!!!

Johnny Kage said...

That was so awesome. I love your blog.

I feel your pain. One time I was on a cross-Canada greyhound bustrip and I sat next to this heavyset black woman. As a joke I said "I hope you like to cuddle."

I fell asleep and when I woke up I was using her shoulder as a pillow.

She said "you looked so comfortable I didn't want to wake you."

I'm glad she never spotted the drool.

Karyn said...

OMG! I laughed out loud and gasped at the same time