Let's just assume everyone on Earth watched the Oscars last night. I have to say, Oscar night is seriously the most satisfying night of television all year. It's non-stop shit I care about. Red carpet ensembles, award presenters, award speeches, Barbara Walters interviews...I literally live for this.
I know everyone's covering last night's hijinks this morning, but here's what killed and thrilled me:
1. Precious' swish as the Best Actor and Best Actress nominees were all paraded on stage like pageant contestants. I'm telling you. This girl is my fag hag IDOL. I could actually hear everyone in the Castro high five when all of the nominees just stood there awkwardly and they get to Precious and she's all, "Is that an Oscar in your pocket or are you just happy to see me."
2. Lady Kanye is best covered by Dlisted. But the lesson learned here is that sometimes, just going for it because this is the Oscars and this is your only chance can backfire. No one was listening to her stupid rant. We were all like, "What the fuck Tyne Daly?"
3. Suzy (Mrs. James Cameron) Amis, who should best be remembered for being the highly annoying Edie Finneran in Usual Suspects looks horrible in the way that all of those "rich hippie, no make-up, uber-organic, I-skim-Mother-Jones" dilettantes look horrible. Insanely skinny works in Hollywood because those women get their faces and bodies pulled, sucked, plumped and shellacked in all the right places. You can't get your make-up done in the vitamin aisle of Whole Foods and ask us to respect that.
Suzy Amis reminded me of this unfortunate sleepover I went on as a tween. I vaguely knew this girl, she and I were in some random, non-school-related extra-curricular together and someone thought we should hang out. We got ready for bed on sleeping bags on the floor of her rumpus room and this chick's mom came in to say goodnight. IN A NEGLIGEE. She leaned over to tuck us in and the whole organic thing just fell forward. It wasn't like you could just see her boobs. You could see her knees. She was naked, basically. And I've been forever traumatized. Anyway, she looked like Suzy Amis last night. I was having flashbacks.
4. I hated Vera Farmiga in The Departed. And I hate her now. I know she's one of 537 children born to Ukranian immigrants, but that doesn't mean she needs to dress like THIS. But she can't win with me. Ever.
5. Barbara Walters asked Mo'Nique about her hairy legs (thank God) and gay husband (he can cheat 20 times!) and I loved every minute of it. Also, no more Oscar Specials, Barbara? Interesting. As my brother pointed out to me, "Window of opportunity, Bethy."
6. Why did everyone look so bored? You could seat me anywhere at the Oscars and I'd look like Bob Wiley sitting in the car when Dr. Leo Marvin finally agrees to treat him. (No link. You should know it.)
7. Nice tattoo, George Clooney's girlfriend. Apparently, she's a former member of 98 Degrees.
8. If Miley Cyrus were to, you know, never be heard from again, I'd be fine with it.
9. Text of the night: "Kristin Stewart is a *cough* idiot." -Joe Wagner
10. In the interest of trying to be a positive person, I loved Steve Martin and Alex Baldwin. Robert Downey Jr. thrills me, even in stupid glasses. And I'm delighted the Hurt Locker reenacted the final 20 minutes from The First Wives Club.
In totally related news, I'll be guest-hosting KOFY-Talk ALL WEEK on KOFY-TV20. Tune in to Jerry Springer and you'll see me staring back at you. I'll give you the rundown on what filming was like tonight on the SF Appeal.
And then, you know, watch 1-5pm today thru Friday and if you feel like telling the fine folks at KOFY that you love my awkward/nervous/OMG-I'M-ON-LOCAL-TV brand of humor, you can do so HERE. Needless to say, my parents are beside themselves...