Monday, February 15, 2010

pa-tik-alarly count: 1

My apologies. It's been a busy weekend. I ran into the Mayor's Director of Protocol Matthew Goudeau at a party on Saturday night and he asked me if I'd seen Gavin's latest video. Apparently Gavin was roaming the streets on camera and it's not to be missed.
After I spoke with Matthew, I returned to my table where my friend (and oblivious straight man) Van asked, "Who was the dude you were talking to?"
I explained in detail the fabulous Matthew.
"Oh, well I got you a Diet Coke but I didn't want to interrupt."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm not a cock block."
So, you know, there's that.
Onto Gavin's latest video! I watched the first 13 seconds where he stated his location and completely lost my shit.
In this week's video, Gavin Newsom is 2 blocks from my front door.
Coincidence? Please. He might as well have said, "I'm here in front of Beth's house, where I often sit in my Chevy Tahoe and watch her look in her mailbox, remove only the mail that interests her and go back inside. Sigh..."
But he didn't say that. He interviewed some chick from the Bicycle Coalition in front of Flour + Water, which is again (earmuffs, serial killers!) spittin' distance from my boudoir. Interestingly, Gavin is really dressed up, with his hair covered in all-weather, protective glaze and a suit that cost more than my car. My hood is casual, Mayor. And you're talking about bikes. I think we all know what you should have been wearing.
Suddenly, Gavin introduces the (hot) chef/owner of Flour + Water who gets all sustainable and loses me. Everyone's talking, Gavin cracks a joke (with a hint of Grey Cloud!) and we're all like, "Wood panelling who?"
Good for you, Mayor! Getting outdoors and interviewing people. What a terrific idea.
Also, Gavin does lots of manly 'bro' touches to the cute Flour + Water guy. Arm punch, shoulder touch, what's next? Fist bump? The Flour + Water guy keeps shooting us looks, a la Jim Halpert. It was all pretty fabulous.
And then we move on to toilets. Gavin is pooped from taking shit about the crapper situation. (That was my homage to Nate Ballard.) Apparently, 19 public bathrooms will be remodeled or replaced within the next 2 years. So hobos reading this at the library, get excited (but not too excited.) It'll cost 7.2 million dollars, by the way. For 19 bathrooms. That's $378,947.37 per water closet. That better be one hell of a public toilet. I'm expecting a bidet, fancy soaps in the shapes of San Francisco landmarks and first editions of the classics.
Oh, oh, oh! (I'm ignoring the boring Green thing. Sorry Eric Mar.) Mayor Gavin Newsom answers your (selected) Twitter questions! You apparently know who you are, those who asked questions he couldn't answer publicly. But I don't. So send 'em to me.
Anyway, Gavin wants to "thank ya" for sending him softballs. He answers three:
Free wifi? Actually, I'm all over that. I would also like to never have to charge my laptop, if someone could work on that. It's Google's problem.
Jobs now? If you don't have kids, screw you. That was the jist.
And will Gavin come to some dude's birthday party? The Mayor said maybe.
Oh hell no! I have invited his gorgeous ass to every major event in my life in the past 5 years, providing the pertinent where and when well in advance.
You also do weddings and anniversaries? Oh, that's great. I had a Soberversary, Mayor Newsom. It was a celebration of my courageous triumph over tragedy. Don't make me list the who's who of gracious attendees (Senator Mark Leno, Supervisor Bevan Dufty) who found the time to swing by. Had I only known that you required a Twitter message, well, I would've gotten on that much sooner.
Now I know how your calendar works. And will plan accordingly.
Although now that I think about it, maybe that whole sober thing hit a little close to home.
Outdoors and interviews automatically push my grading into the B range. The guy interviewee was cute and it was right by my house, so this week's video gets a B+. You can see it right HERE.
Keep it up, Mayor! And I look forward to seeing you at my upcoming Quinceniera...


generic said...

Okay, snark aside: how could you not give this an A?
The middle half was meh, but the opening was gangbusters and the ending was really quite strong.
He's really taking your suggestions to heart. That was an excellent, non-boring video and YOU DESERVE SOME CREDIT for that.

Is it because he set your personal standard so high with the shoutout, and nothing can top that?
What gives? That clip was great PR. Imma blog it m'self.

Mousqueton said...


Sorry to break this to you but this guy has freakish big hands and doesn't seem to know what to do with them.

Take care!

Beth Spotswood said...

@ generic: Those are excellent points. I guess I wasn't adhering to the strictest of grading systems. However, I do maintain that he needs to keep getting better. He got an A+ when he went to the library because I was so shocked he finally left his crappy, trailer-walled office. But I may have gotten ahead of myself on that one. From now on, A+ is only given if I am gushed about, ideally with some kind on montage set to music and poetry Gavin has written about me. Or if he interviews a hobo.

@Mousqueton: Yes, but I know what to do with them.

Beth Spotswood said...

PS: I don't actually think the Mayor is aware of me. I think he employs some (rad) folks who use Google alert and take my common sense and incredibly obvious suggestions into consideration.
But if Gavin is reading this right now...(I just froze and hid under my sheets at the very thought) DISREGARD.

Joe said...

"Because I'm not a cock block."

THAT'S the guy who sounds more like Gavin Newsom's Director of Protocol.

Anonymous said...

Wow, the supervisor for my district is actually doing something (Eric Mar)? Now I may have to watch Gav's video!