Monday, January 18, 2010

wait. what. oh, sorry. i fell asleep...

Mayor Gavin Newsom's got a new video up, and bless him, he's been very consistent in posting his YouTube addresses every Saturday morning. Which is why I'm trying to be consistent in reviewing them. If you're anything like me, you love watching the rain. So I'm going to suggest you stare out of your window and watch the weather instead of spending 14 minutes you'll never get back listening to this week's Mayoral address.
It's not horrible or offensive or anything. This week's video is just really fucking boring. And I suspect the Mayor is under the impression he's addressing Miss Beasley's 3rd Grade Social Studies class. Which in all fairness, he kinda is. I mean, you've got to broaden your message if you're trying to speak to everyone. I just didn't realize the Mayor considers incredibly elderly dementia patients part of his audience.
For reasons beyond me, Gavin seems to struggle with pronouncing the words "literally" and "particularly." He's gets them right...but barely. I've got a hunch he practices.
He's hot on high school students graduating this week, which begs the question: What happened to Public Enemy Number 1?!?! That's right, folks. Gum. What's the update on the fight against gum? You can't just drop "Gum is Public Enemy Number 1!" and then move on to high school truancy. What about the gum!?!?!?!
Gavin gets marks for the phrase, "I don't want to read the tea leaves" in reference to what he apparently suspects is mysterious and sinister reasons for the 5-4 vote keeping YouTube out of the Prop 8 federal trial. I love a good conspiracy theory and I love a good voodoo reference, so bonus points to you, Mayor.
The suit is cute. It's fitted, a little more modern than his usual uniform. He looks hot, he's still in a good mood, he's enthusiastic about all of these things he wants to tell us. So that's nice. As I've said, it's always reassuring to see the Mayor in a lovely mood. Because Gavin in a bad mood is pretty much the worst thing ever. It's cruel, painful, I can almost feel it in my bones when Gavin Newsom's temper is brewing. He turns into Ben Affleck in Boiler Room.
The Mayor tells us he has "a couple of things that need to be said and one thing that must be said."
Things that need to be said Happy 75th Birthday MOMA!!! And thank you to the Fisher Family. (Personal thank you to the Fisher's from me. I love the Long and Leans.)
Things that must be said:
"The tragedy in Haiti." He points out that we have earthquakes here too, so it hits close to home, LIT'RALLY. We should send money to Haiti and we should prepare ourselves for an earthquake. Agreed, yes? Yes. Santa gave my brother and I bright red prepared emergency backpacks for Christmas, with packets of water and rope and band-aids and flashlights. So come to my house in the event of an earthquake, I've got a transistor radio.
The Mayor then thanks us for watching, says have a great week, he'll be in DC and adios.
Oh, but wait! A post script. Gavin comes back, all smiley and giggly. "I gotcha!"
Oh, finally. This should be good. What? You got what?!?!
"It's not truancy abatement. It's truancy assessment. My apologies."
And he does it in old preacher voice!
But why are we just assessing truancy? Shouldn't be we abating it? Whatever. I'm bored with this. And not like it's evidenced in the tone of this week's video but I already graduated from high school. I give it a C+, and as you know, I toss around A-'s like they're going out of style.
Might I suggest to the Mayor that since he's going on a trip our stupid asses are paying for, maybe he could show us some photos or video of our nation's capital next week. Get an interview with Sasha and Malia or swing us by The Smithsonian, please.
Because this week didn't "pa-tick-a-larly" do it for me. I'm still watching, tho. You've got me there...

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Good lord...

Anonymous said...

In case you did not know, there is an editor, yes, an editor who edits these sometimes laborious videotapes that can take - An HOUR! There is a script of course and about four to five takes...check w/ inside man to verify but thank that thankless job of the editor for cutting it to 14 minutes b/c the original was 22. The guy loves to talk...