Sunday, December 06, 2009

on the upside, my cabbie hit on me...

Sometimes, most of the time in fact, it's pretty easy for me to sip my Shirley Temple and have a great time. Sometimes, last night in fact, it was nearly impossible for me to stand in the middle of a packed house party surrounded by dozens of opened bottles of Grey Goose and not go completely insane.
I sipped my Diet Coke with trembling hands and felt the jitters move from my feet up my body, until it seemed like my brain was going to crawl out of my head and scream at the hundred or so people packed in that flat, "GODDAMNIT, I WANT TO MOTHERFUCKING DRINK."
It wasn't so much as I wanted to drink. I was starting to need to drink. There's a big difference, and that difference is having control over the situation. At one point, someone tried to hand me a shot of vodka. Melissa and Tara leapt in front of me, as if trying to take a bullet, screaming, "Nooooooo!"
I left. I went home at sat on my bed in my makeup and pink dress and sparkly earrings and watched Zodiac. I felt left out and angry and lonely.
So I guess for each of the 9 times I cheerily clink my Perrier and beam, "I'm doing awesome, thanks!" there's 1 time I have to will myself not to cry/drink/scream. This isn't always as easy as it seems. Unless it seems really hard, in which case, yes. Yes it is.
Okay. I'm done venting. I'm off to another two holiday parties! Wish me some motherfucking, goddamn luck...

10 comments:

Brock said...

Yet another inspiring post. Sob! Hope today is a better one for you.

Patricia said...

You do a lot better than you know because people like me would have just taken the bottle poured out the vodka and filled it with water and carried it around instead...

Anonymous said...

Here's wishing you, dear Beth, the requested abundance of motherfucking, goddamn luck--and an equal abundance of love. T.P.

Anonymous said...

much luck and good thoughts in your direction, ma'am. you're strong - stay strong.

Yolande said...

Good luck Beth!!

Anonymous said...

Spot,

I don't know of this blog about your drinking was serious or a joke. But, incase it was serious, if you really are or might be an alcoholic consider a 12-step program. Alcoholics Anonymous and other 12-step programs are the most successful in the world for helping people with addictions. Thanks for all the times you have made me laugh over the last few years and God bless you.


Anonymous

antfaber said...

It ain't easy, but it is worth it. If you're not insufferably pleased with yourself, you should be.

Beth Spotswood said...

@anonymous Thank you! But I've been writing about my sobriety for the pasrt year! I'm in AA, part of the program, working the steps, went to rehab, the whole nine. So, I'm on it. TRUST ME...

Melissa said...

We left right after you did - you didn't miss a thing.

FYI World: despite Beth's rough night, she was graceful and very un-dramatic when she declared the need to go home. Amazing.

Anonymous said...

She's a classy dame. T.P.