this is all very acid-washed, Jersey-mall type stuff...

I get the "10 Tips for Women" email once a month and I'm sure you too. This email, a colorful, clip-art'd list of ways to thwart predators was the basis for an entire episode of Oprah, so obviously it's something legitimate and highly researched. But everytime I read it, it gives me a big case of the eyerolls. Let's read it together!

Because of recent abductions in daylight hours, refresh yourself of these things to do in an emergency situation...
This is for you and for you to share with your wife, your children, everyone you know. After reading these 9 crucial tips, forward them to someone you care about. It never hurts to be careful in t his crazy world we live in.
1. Tip from Tae Kwon Do:
The elbow is the strongest point on your body. If you are close enough to use it, do!

(Agreed. But what do you do with your elbow? I'm still not 100% on this.)

2. Learned this from a tourist guide.
If a robber asks for your wallet and/or purse, DO NOT HAND IT TO HIM. Toss it away from you. Chances are that he is more interested in your wallet and/or purse than you, and he will go for the wallet/purse. RUN LIKE MAD IN THE OTHER DIRECTION!

(I like the "run like MAD" part. Don't just run. Run like you're fucking nuts.)

3. If you are ever thrown into the trunk of a car, kick out the back tail lights and stick your arm out the hole and start waving like crazy. The driver won't see you, but everybody else will. This has saved lives.

(All I can think of is the opening of Goodfellas.)

4. Women have a tendency to get into their cars after shopping, eating, working, etc., and just sit, doing their chequebook, or making a list, etc. (Chicks, man.) DON'T DO THIS! The predator will be watching you, and this is the perfect opportunity for him to get in on the passenger side, put a gun to your head, and tell you where to go. AS SOON AS YOU GET INTO YOUR CAR, LOCK THE DOORS AND LEAVE. If someone is in the car with a gun to your head DO NOT DRIVE OFF! Repeat: DO NOT DRIVE OFF! Instead gun (heh) the engine and speed into anything, wrecking the car. Your Air Bag will save you. If the person is in the back seat, they will get the worst of it. As soon as the car crashes bail out and run. It is better than having them find your body in a remote location.

(Wait. How do we go from crashing the car to finding my body in a remote location? That doesn't make any sense.)

5. A few notes about getting into your car in a parking lot, or parking garage:
A.) Be aware: look around you, look into your car, at the passenger side floor and in the back seat. (I totally do this. What I would do if I saw someone crouched in the back is beyond me.)
B.) If you are parked next to a big van, enter your car from the passenger door. Most serial killers attack their victims by pulling them into their vans while the women are attempting to get into their cars. (Most serial killers in movies, that is. And books written by Thomas Harris.)

C.) Look at the car parked on the driver's side of your vehicle, and the passenger side... If a male is sitting alone in the seat nearest your car, you may want to walk back into the mall, or work, and get a guard/policeman to walk you back out.
IT IS ALWAYS BETTER TO BE SAFE THAN SORRY. And better paranoid than dead. (It is also more fun and interesting to be paranoid than dead.)

6. ALWAYS take the elevator instead of the stairs. Stairwells are horrible places to be alone and the perfect crime spot. This is especially true at NIGHT! (Except that the next episode of Oprah tell you to always park as far away as possible and always take the stairs because it burns calories. Thin = dead, apparently.)

7. If the predator has a gun and you are not under his control, ALWAYS RUN! The predator will only hit you (a running target) 4 in 100 times; and even then, it most likely WILL NOT be a vital organ. RUN, Preferably in a zig -zag pattern! (And like a crazy person, don't forget. All I can see is myself running down a deserted alley in a zig zag pattern, much the way I ski.)

8. As women, we are always trying to be sympathetic: STOP. It may get you raped, or killed. Ted Bundy, the serial killer, was a good-looking, well educated man, who ALWAYS played on the sympathies of unsuspecting women. He walked with a cane, or a limp, and often asked 'for help' into his vehicle or with his vehicle, which is when he abducted his next victim. (No one has EVER accused me of trying to be sympathetic. Although, I have to admit if I saw a guy in a cast trying to load a loveseat into a van, I'd instantly know he was a serial killer.)

9. Another Safety Point: Someone just told me that her friend heard a crying baby on her porch the night before last, and she called the police because it was late and she thought it was weird.. The police told her "Whatever you do, DO NO open the door." The lady then said that it sounded like the baby had crawled near a window, and she was worried that it would crawl to the street and get run over. The policeman said, "We already have a unit on the way, whatever you do, DO NOT open the door." He told her that they think a serial killer has a baby's cry recorded and uses it to coax women out of their homes thinking that someone dropped off a baby. He said they have not verified it, but have had several calls by women saying that they hear baby's cries outside their doors when they're home alone at night. (What the FUCK? This is the stupidest thing I've ever heard.)

10. Water scam! (I thought you said 9 crucial tips?)
If you wake up in the middle of the night to hear all your taps outside running or what you think is a burst pipe, DO NOT GO OUT TO INVESTIGATE! These people turn on all your outside taps full ball so that you will go out to investigate and then attack. (Okay, I take that back. THIS is the stupidest thing I've ever heard. Crying babies? Sprinkers? What if your Christmas lights suddenly come on or all of your garden gnomes explode at the exact same time?)

Stay alert, keep safe, and look out for your neighbours! Please pass this on. (Done!)

This e-mail should probably be taken seriously because the Crying Baby Theory was mentioned on America 's Most Wanted when they profiled the serial killer in Louisiana. (So, you know...)
I'd like you to forward this to all the women you know.
It may save a life. A candle is not dimmed by lighting another candle. (What the hell does that mean?)
I was going to send this to the ladies only, but guys, if you love your mothers, wives, sisters, daughters, etc., you may want to pass it onto them, as well. (If you don't love your mothers and sisters, tell them to take the stairs.)
Send this to any woman you know that may need to be reminded that the world we live in has a lot of crazies in it and it's better to be safe than sorry. (I feel like these helpful tips lose credibility when they end with bitching about all of the "crazies" out there. I get the feeling they're talking about Democrats and homosexuals.)

Stay safe out there, ladies!