Tuesday, October 06, 2009

oh my god, you're the meanest...

As far as I'm concerned, since I'm haven't had a drink in 324 days (but who's counting), I should be able to do pretty much anything else I want. Murder? Shop lifting? Rape?
Yeah. I'm totally allowed.
Alas, Tim the Trainer disagrees.
Thus, he's kicking my ass 4 (yes, four) days a week and telling me what I'm allowed to eat. I disagree with this plan completely. Again, I'm not drinking. I don't know if I can really drive home how much this sucks, but I assure you, it drives me to hysterics frequently.
Melissa asked me on the cuise, "So, do you ever think about it?"
Are you kidding me? I was able to point out to her from memory what every single person in the dining room was drinking. I was like Jason Bourne in the diner scene when he knew all the license plate numbers in the parking lot. I should be some kind of undercover spy for Alcoholics Anonymous, I'm so conscious of any and all booze within a 100 yard radius.
(I'm at work right now and I know the number of bottles of wine in storage and that there's an opened but untouched shitty Chardonnay sitting in the fridge that's been there for weeks. I still want to down it like there's no tomorrow.)
Anyway, as I sit here eating my salad with proteins and Pellegrino (fuck you, Tim), this is my promise to keep you relatively posted on my progress. The more I see pictures of me when I was a drunk, the more I'm like, "Oh hell no."
So in the interest of my massive vanity, and because Tim is good enough at this that I'm wearing my clothes from two years ago, I'll give you the skinny. (heh.)
And if you live in the Bay Area and wish to join me on this shitty, crappy journey through hell, where apparently, biscotti counts as a cookie, you should hire Tim. Which you can do HERE.
Or you can email me and I'll hook you up.
Maybe we can even work out together and you can laugh as I cry, complain and use my latest excuse, "I think I have an undiagnosed heart condition."
Also, if you're going to hire Tim, which I recommend that you do, you should also watch The Biggest Loser so we can discuss. Tim will even do the Coach Mo voice, which is the 4th in his repertoire of training voices.
Be warned, however, that 100 calorie packs are not allowed.
I know...


Anonymous said...

Your committment to constant self-improvement is awesome.
And you looked AMAZING last Thursday, so whatever you're doing is working like CRAZY.
Beth, you were glowing!

Congratulations on your continued journey through sobriety.

Skance said...

Yay! Congrats on your new fitness quest. I'm doing the same thing, and I have to say that while I'm only putting myself through hell three days a week, the booze is now a source of constant guilt and empty calories when I do drink. So, you know, avoiding that and looking awesome should be some small consolation! My looking awesome part will probably be considerably hampered by the booze.

Patricia Appelquist said...

Beth, you are awesome for doing everything you can and staying sober. I wish I could hire Tim the Trainer because you know you LOOK FREAKING AMAZING!

Does he do Charity work? Could he bill me until I win the lottery?

Whatever the case may be, keep up the good work and go kick some arse or catch some tail there was some seriously good looking guy jogging along the embarcadero today that had my heart go pitter patter....

DJTennessee said...

The more I see pictures of me when I was a drunk, the more I'm like, "Oh hell no."

Funny, I would always say the exact opposite.


Tim said...

I believe when I suggested to you that eat a piece of fruit, you responded with "That's just really unreasonable." Then, when I asked you why you ate Nutter Butters instead you responded with "Packaging is very important to me, Tim"

You're right. I'm such a jerk!

Clair said...

Wait, what's wrong with biscotti? If Tim took charity cases, I'd probably be first on the list. But as a poor state employee, I'll stick to working out by myself and cheer you on from the sidelines. Have fun!