Sunday, October 25, 2009

i'm nothing if not a problem solver...

In this morning's M&R column, Ross and Andy point out that former San Francisco Mayor Art Agnos was totally snubbed from the big 20th Anniversary Earthquake festivities, which weren't that fabulous anyway. Normally, I'd be all over tragic event commemoration, especially one I survived, but the "Big Rumble" events didn't seem that dicey. I need a video montage of death and destruction set to poignant music at a black tie gala. Don't you?
Anyway, I guess Art's so ticked off he wasn't invited to any Big Ruble "put a first aid kit and bottled water in your basement and forget about it" activities that he gave a quote to the Chronicle saying he doesn't know why he wasn't included. 
I wish everytime I wasn't invited to something I feel I should have MC'd, it would be news. Didn't the New Kids on the Block host a cruise? What the fuck, NKOTB? Where was I? 
As for Art, Mayoral spokesperson Nate Ballard said chill. "It was just an oversight. No slight intended." Noticeably absent was an apology, but I can't imagine one was necessary. Weren't all of the Big Rumble events desperately open to the public? 
We're all invited, Art! Relax!
I guess Art suspects that the current administration isn't a fan because he supported Matt Gonzalez for Mayor in 1943 or whenever the hell that race was. First of all, if Matt Gonzalez had been elected Mayor of San Francisco, there'd be no "Big Rumble" events anyway, because:
1. The name "Big Rumble" is offensive in it's implication that tragic earthquakes are fun. 
2. Much of the destruction of the Loma Prieta Earthquake took place in the Marina District, which would by this time in the Gonzalez Administration, no longer be within the city limits of San Francisco and now be part of Marin. 
3. Earthquakes are probably our fault anyway for not composting. 
But you guys. Let's not ignore the elephant in the room. I'm appalled Nate didn't bring it up! I mean, it's the first thing I think about whenever I hear the name Art Agnos
Mayor? Yeah, I guess. 
Earthquakes. Sure, okay. 
Shot? Hell yes!
So, here's how the Newsom Administration can make it up for Former Mayor Agnos, who's feeling a little snubbed. On December 13th, 2009, the 36th Anniversary of Agnos' attempted murder, San Francisco should throw the "Big Bang." 
There could be educational booths about how to not join cults and not be racist. We'd have to close off streets, naturally. This IS San Francisco. There could be a Big Bang dinner, commemorating the tragic Zebra killings and celebrating this great town's ability to overcome the fact that we're a serial killer magnet
The Big Bang! What's not to love? Art would obviously be the guest of honor and we'd all be a little bit more informed about the Zebra Killer, which was some dicey shit I wish we'd discuss more anyway. Win, win. 
But let me just say for the record, before feelings get hurt and I give some bitchy quotes, if someone runs with this genius Big Bang idea, I'd better be invited...

4 comments:

Greg said...

During one of the mayoral races, I think it was in 1987, Will Durst used to do a bit about Agnos' encounter with the serial killers done to the tune of that song "Do Wah Diddy.." at a comedy festival...

Anonymous said...

I was twelve years old when the Pans were murdered two blocks away from my parents' home. The back of a childhood friend's house directly abutted that of the Pan's. It was a weird time.

Patricia Appelquist said...

"Marina District, which would by this time in the Gonzalez Administration, no longer be within the city limits of San Francisco and now be part of Marin"

Absolutely priceless and so fraking true...

I hope the Big Bang will happen I know we could sign a petition!

Natalie said...

Being currently unemployed, I'm gonna spend my days trying to get a proposition on the ballot to make the Marina District part of Marin County. I can't imagine people in the rest of SF will not vote for that. Sorry Marin County.