Monday, October 05, 2009

i won't be ignored dave...

Do we want to talk about Letterman? Or is it too painful? 
If you've just returned from abroad, allow me to catch you up. Last month, Dave gets into his car only to find an Alex Forrest-esque package resting on the passenger seat. Inside the package, he finds incriminating photos of him banging chicks on his staff (I'm paraphrasing, obviously) and a demand for 2 million bucks. Or else!
Dave goes to the cops, the cops and Dave get all John Grisham/recording conversations/fake 2 million dollar checks. Turns out, Dave's being shaken down by the ex-boyfriend of his ex-ho/assistant. The ex-boyfriend, incidentally, works for the television show 48 Hours, which is about how long it took for his jig to be up. 
Anyway, what I think we all care most about is...Dave? You bang your staff?
Had I known this, I would've majored in communications and gotten a job as a page
I kid, I kid. I'm actually kinda creeped out by the fact that David Letterman, while only recently married, has been with his wife for 20 years. 
The ex-ho/assistant is basically my age. (Okay, she's older. But most are.) Anyway, the point is that Dave's obviously been screwing around on his main squeeze. 
I know he's a big celebrity, and possesses the sexiest quality imaginable, humor. But Dave? David Letterman? Ladies man? 
Gross. 
Also, why is David Letterman, who strikes me (perhaps incorrectly) as a pretty normal, low-key guy, always surrounded by bizarre capers and scandals? There was a thwarted plot to kidnap his son. There was his stalker who broke into his home. And now there's mysterious blackmail packages left in his car. 
You're telling me LETTERMAN doesn't have a car alarm? Shit, I'm amazed he drives himself. When I've got my late-night talk-show, I'll be requiring the services of a car and driver, if for no other reason than to avoid unfortunate situations like these. 
To answer my mother's question, asked during our weekly post-Amazing Race phone conversation (Team Asperger!), I think Dave handled the scandal really well, going on the air, revealing the foiled plot and admitting that yeah, he bangs his staff. Tonight, apparently, he'll apologize to his wife. (You can see it online from the East.) 
Good. He should. 
I mean, I'd love having a hilarious, successful, worshipped and rich husband. But I don't need him and his scattered ass splashed all over the tabloid rags. It's humiliating and unfair. 
Ugh. Dudes. 
I think Mrs. Letterman deserves some serious bling, Dave's dick in a jar and a romantic trip to Rome...

7 comments:

Cali said...

Maybe his wife's known about this all along. After all, she used to work for him, too. People make all sorts of arrangements among themselves. For all we know he takes his conquests home to the guest room. Hell, maybe his wife is an active participant, or maybe she's banging the grocery boy. We just don't know. And we never really will.

DJTennessee said...

I know he's a big celebrity, and possesses the sexiest quality imaginable, humor.

I'm pretty sure women also factor 'annual salary' into this equation, and I'm fairly confident that it beats 'humor' every time.

Anonymous said...

Awesome.

Spots said...

@Cali: Well, here's apparently what Dave had to say about his wife, so we kinda DO know: "She has been horribly hurt by my behavior, and when something happens like that, if you hurt a person and it's your responsibility, you try to fix it. At that point, there's only two things that can happen: Either you're going to make some progress and get it fixed, or you're going to fall short and perhaps not get it fixed, so let me tell you folks, I got my work cut out for me.”

@DJ: I wouldn't kick a billionaire out of my bed, but I maintain funny is sexier than rich. Both is ideal, however.

@Anon: Thanks! I think. Who is this? You always write the same thing. Hastings?

Holly said...

Spot on, Spots!

@DJ: I have my own money, make me laugh =oP

Anonymous said...

Regarding the wife, I've seen situations where it's so obvious and transparent. But the spouse puts on the blinders and practices the fine art of denial. In Letterman's case, when splashed all across every news outlet in America, you really can't deny no mo'.

Brittney said...

Spot. Fucking. On.