Tuesday, July 21, 2009

what's the tea bag for? irony...

I don't know if you follow Ohio's Death Row inmates' last meals. Why bother when I'll just do it for you, right? Daniel Wilson left this earth on June 3rd and last enjoyed a well-done porter house steak with steak sauce, a baked potato with sour cream and bacon bits, salad with lettuce, cucumbers, tomatoes, radishes, green peppers, carrots and French dressing, corn on the cob with butter, grapes, macaroni and cheese, dinner rolls, Cool Ranch Doritos with a jar of salsa, strawberry ice cream and strawberry cheesecake--both with real strawberries, a 2-liter of Dr. Pepper with ice and one tea bag.
Anyway, I thought I'd do a little research and find out what led Daniel to the Ohio State Cafe (he burned a woman alive in her own car trunk) and perhaps find a photo of the man Ohio says is a guilty, horrible person. Turns out, in related news, Ohio killed their 1,000th murderer by means of lethal injection TODAY. His name?
That's like naming your kid Ta'Riffik Jones. Odds are, if you're going to burden someone with the misspelling of "marvelous" their entire life, that life is going to be the opposite of marvelous. I can only imagine the innocent victim of a violent crime arriving at the pearly gates of heaven and being informed of their killer's name. 
"I'm sorry. I must have heard you wrong, St. Peter. His name was what?"
"Ta'Riffik Jones, my child. It caught me off guard as well."
As for Marvallous, who killed 6 people on a 1992 Christmas Eve killing spree, including entering one home on the pretext of participating in an orgy, he had no last words and I've got no information on his last meal. I can only assume it consisted of spektakular chicken, deliteful dessert and some wunderfel water...


Brittney said...

Wait, the tea bag was steeped in the Dr. Pepper?

Natalie said...

I sure as hell wouldn't include a salad in my last meal. Signed Fa'Bulouse Smith.