Saturday, July 18, 2009

don't leave before the miracle happens...

There is an odd bond formed with a stranger with whom you survive a disaster. That's the only way I can think of to describe my friendship with Ansel, my rehab gay. We dined al fresco at Momo's for lunch and spent about 11 seconds on pleasantries, which is interesting considering I haven't seen him since his Medallion rehab graduation ceremony. 
When most people ask me how I'm "doing," I respond in the positive. Obviously it's the easiest and truest way to answer that question, but I can tell Ansel a different truth I can't explain to anyone else. And we agreed on an interesting aspect of our sobriety: loneliness. 
It's something I've been noticing for awhile and been afraid to articulate, convinced I was nuts in my surrounded solitude. It's true though. Sometimes I'll be in the middle of a lively dinner party and get a pang of loneliness. It's only a moment, but a moment I hate. 
It's kind of like being the only kid not allowed to play tackle football because you kept breaking your leg. 
And when I finally said today, "Sometimes it's kind of lonely," Ansel put down his fork, looked at me and said, "I know! Everyone's having so much fun and you get singled out and if you don't have fun it's because you're a big, boring sober person."
"And everyone gets to clink glasses with their champagne and you're the big tumbler of water ruining the moment."
"And you tell they feel a little bit bad for you."
"My friends are awesome, mind you." I said, and I mean it. They are. 
"Of course they are. It's just a fact."
Ansel has a really great way of saying things. And I didn't have to explain certain situations, personal history, location and circumstance of specific instances. He just got it and commiserated. Which I guess is the whole point of having things in common with another human being. 
And with me and Ansel, well, he was a stranger with whom I survived a disaster...

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

Once again, another perfectly timed piece on your ongoing recovery. Beautifully written.

I also have to say that I found the SF Weekly piece on your writing unfunny and mean. What a fucking asshole.

Spots said...

Thanks!
As for the Weekly, I've made my peace with them. We're cool. And really, the internet's fair game. Christ, I'm the one that called Gavin "Mayor McRehab."

Anonymous said...

What is "Don't Leave Before the Miracle Happens?"

Spots said...

"Don't leave before the miracle happens" is our favorite cheesy 12-step phrase. We enjoy repeating it enthusiastically at inappropriate times...

Anonymous said...

I love it! You are so brilliant!!

-Ansel :)

Stephanie said...

I miss you and ansel both.

Anonymous said...

I'm much better since I left the deadly 12 step cult. The website at stinkin' thinkin' and HAMS saved me.