So, you know SuburbaGas? For those of you who are new, SuburbaGas is my petrol palace, a classy Mill Valley diversion from GhettoGas, the janky joint in my hood. Anyway, I often stop at SuburbaGas on my way to my job in the burbs. I do not, however, gamble.
I guess that's why I didn't win $75 million.
I've been reading all kinds of internet commentary about how it's absolutely ridiculous that someone in Mill Valley is $75 million richer, as apparently, that's chump change 'round Marin. I can appreciate all of the jokes from the masses except that they don't really make sense in this context. Allow me to count both ways:
1. As a regular at the gas station which sold the winning ticket, and by regular, I mean that Mohammed gives me highly personal advice, I can tell you that rich people certainly don't hang out there, shoving elbows for the dregs of the Hazelnut flavored "coffee." And...
2. Rich people don't buy lottery tickets.
Whomever is the lucky winner needs that shit just as much as you and me. It's not like some CEO stopped by on their way to the airport, nearly missing their flight to Gstaad so they could play MEGA Millions."Oh, hang on one sec, kitten. I need to pick up today's ticket, a pack of Kools and a Mountain Dew."
Knowing that SuburbaGas is selling winners, I suddenly feel inclined to hang out there more. I still can't see myself ponying up a buck and playing. I can see myself kissing the ass of someone in the mood to blow $75 million. And if I won? Oh, if I won...
1. I would take my 30 closest friends on a month-long cruise. Obviously I consider Ryan Gossling one of my 30 closest friends.
2. I would get a car that didn't have manual windows and locks. Everytime I'm in a mid-range car from like, 1996, I just ooohhhh and aaaahhhhh.
3. I would donate the maximum to Gavin's campaign, not because I believe deeply in issues or anything. I just want him to have to verbally thank me. I would also get a really expensive haircut.
But I don't have $75 million. I never bought a lottery ticket and I can barely afford the gas. I will however, get you people something exclusive from Mohammed because while I might be poor and unwilling to invest in his lottery tickets, I think I might be the only customer to choke down SuburbaGas' Hazelnut Coffee...
(Ah ha! I'm right-ish! The winner(s) work for the Sherrif's Dept. Well, hell. They deserve it!)