and of course, those poor kids...

I have something horrible to tell you. I know I've put you through a lot and you've been great. You really have. I should've told you sooner. But recent events are forcing me to tell you now.

Ugh, this is so hard.

I am obsessed with Jon & Kate Plus 8.

There. I said it. The weight of the world is off my shoulders.

I've been watching since Season 1, somehow oddly sucked into the lives of Jon and Kate, their twins Maddy and Cara and their sextuplets, Joel, Collin, Aaden, Hannah, Leah and...oh shit. What's the last one? Alexis! (Sorry Alexis. You're probably used to being forgotten.)

The show's been boring for ages. Kate is the pushy mom in capri pants who's obsessed with cleaning and screaming at her husband, the passive Jon, who does a decent job of moping around wishing he hadn't gotten married at 22. A year or so ago, I started digging a little deeper. Times were tough in my life and well, I was watching a lot of Jon & Kate Plus 8. I certainly don't do this now, but there was a time, a time before the Jon & Kate tabloid magazine covers and sex scandals, when I would sit at home with a bottle of vodka, a plastic pitcher of Crystal Lite and scream obscenities at Kate while googling her and joining Facebook groups called "I Strongly Dislike Kate Gossellin."

"This is a fucked up fuckin' birthday party!" I'd slur at the screen.

"Jon, you goddamn pussy! Perk up!"

And of course, "I think one of them kids is retarded!"

I'm not proud of this time in my life. I'm just saying, I know Jon & Kate Plus 8.

Intimately.

Hating Kate isn't that hard. There are whole websites devoted to what a horrible person she is. She'd just get worse season after season, her obnoxious accent getting stronger, her nagging louder. I nearly threw the television out of the window during the episode she asked one of the cameramen to install her window treatments. I believe that was a special "behind the scenes of Jon & Kate Plus 8." I wouldn't be surprised if I taped it. Again, I was in a bad way.

I was never that into the kids. They were cute and all. But I'm not a big kid person anyway. At parties, when people bring their kids like we'd all appreciate having patronizing conversations about giraffes instead of talking to each other, I purposefully avoid the family-types. But I'm a good, old fashioned American voyeur. I like seeing the inside of other people's houses and I stare when people have relationship fights in restaurants. I watched Jon get more and more disgruntled with his life, hiding at the gym with his hot trainer and complaining about his mysterious job we're never really told about. Kate on the other hand proudly and loudly loved her growing celebrity, if you consider someone with a "mom show" on The Learning Channel a celebrity, but check her out when the show started HERE.

And uh, this is her now.

I know. We hate her.

Anyway, I eventually stopped watching Jon & Kate Plus 8. I dumped the vodka down the drain, finished off that Crystal Lite, got my shit together and found better crappy television to watch. Jon & Kate were like a threesome I endured as I hit rock bottom. I finally willed myself to turn off TLC and their carny show of freaks.

And then...sex scandal!

Suddenly everyone's talking about Jon & Kate and the fuckin' 8 like you've all been watching for years! Where were you when they went to the goddamn pumpkin patch? Where were you when Kate patronized the sorry ass zookeeper? Where?!?!

Anyway, now that Jon may or may not have screwed around with some 23 year old who has a (how shall I put this) weird relationship with her brother and Kate may or may not be fucking her bodyguard, everyone cares. Even better, Jon's gone all arms crossed, pouty, "I'm movin' to the attic!" and Kate's gone all tragic, martyr, "I'm disappointed in his behavior!"

Jon hates being on a TV show.

Kate loves being on a TV show.

They both won't shut up about it. On TV.
So last night, like it's the Beatles on Ed Sullivan, me and a billion other losers all tuned in for the Season 5 Premier. Not finale. Premier. That's right. Adultery or not, they're still doing the show. Only this time instead of constant scented-candle check-in with Jon & Kate on the loveseat, they're doing separate check-in on the now half-empty loveseat.

And not a scented candle in sight.

Kate's on the loveseat, talking about how she had to assemble thirty gift bags alone. Jon's on the loveseat, talking about how this is "our business" and he never signed up for this.

The man had a hair transplant on television. You know, FYI.

Anyway, at the end of the show, some gifted producer apparently manages to get Jon and Kate back on the loveseat together. Jon's not wearing his hilarious "No Worry Beef Curry" t-shirt. Kate's hair screams its desperate cry for help. And off screen, a brave soul asks, "So...what's next for you two?"

Cue awkward silence, shifty glances, stifled tears.

They don't know, they love their kids, they're on different pages, they fucking hate each other, Jon sleeps with a knife under his pillow, etc. But somehow, someway, Jon & Kate Plus 8 has a whole season planned for us.

Back to you and me... So, they're getting a divorce, right? Their minds are made up. This shit is over, friends. And now I've got to watch it. I've got no choice. I'm sucked back in and it's even better the sober time around.

Please watch. We will discuss...