Monday, April 13, 2009

"relax beth, she has dial-up for chrissakes..."

Much like TV shows, or as my brother and elderly Hispanic women call them, "my stories," I can only follow so many current events sagas at one time. Which is why I know nothing of these pirates. On and on, our Easter dinner went with 11 people engrossed in a heated discussion on the pirates. The only problem was, there were 12 at the table and I'm not used to being quiet.
Cousin "Sheila," a borderline elderly woman, sat across from me. She's not 'old lady' old, but she's no longer middle-aged, caught in time between relative youth and being helped to the bathroom. I would point out to you that Sheila's never been married but I would be livid if someone ever used that to describe me, so I'm refusing to even mention it. Shelia sported a gold 49ers medallion and sat with her arms folded for 4 hours, quite fine with having no idea who Bernie Madoff is. She did, however, have many an opinion about the pirates. She knew more than any of us about this maritime saga and delighted in sharing her expertise. Finally, Sheila directed her attention to me.
"So, what's this about you writing for the Chronicle?"
Normally, these old types respond to my "Actually, I write for their website." with a polite yet disappointed, "Oh. How interesting."
Not Sheila.
"The website?!?!?" Her eyes rolled from one side of her face dramatically to the other. "I'm too busy for computers. I don't have time for that!"
My family tried to gently explain that, you know, the internet isn't just a fad, most people are aware of it, etc. Sheila wasn't hearing it, her schedule far more packed than the rest of us to unplug her phone, plug in her computer and traipse through the superhighway.
I know I shouldn't care, but it was driving me nuts that I couldn't crack Cousin Sheila. And thus far, the only thing she seemed to want to talk about is the only thing I've been neglecting; the goddamn pirates.
"You know this Captain is quite a hero." She went on, trying to explain to me about some yachtsman I still, as I type this, am totally oblivious to. Her voice dropped to a whisper. "He's almost as heroic as Sully."
Sheila's eyes looked to the skies in reverence as she delicately twirled her gilded 49ers necklace.
It's an Easter miracle.
"Ooooh Sheila! Guess who recited me poetry at a cocktail party..."


Seana said...

I, for one, am stunned that you are not gripped by the drama of the pirate story. It's over now, and it worked out the way I wanted, but it just seemed like something you would be drawn to, what with the midnight escape attempt and the delusional demands being made by PIRATES. PIRATES, for chrissakes!!!!! Oh well, we can't expect you to be an expert on everything, we'll just have to settle for most things. ; )

sfmike said...

There really is too much going on in the world, but I'm not at all surprised or disappointed that you weren't following the Somali Pirates Saga. What surprises me is that I have not read Word One from you about the Tracy Christian Gone Very, Very Bad, stuffing a sexually abused little girl into a suitcase. I'm counting on you, Beth, to make sense of a local, gruesome and totally bizarre crime. Please.