Monday, April 06, 2009

i feel like andy rooney...

I'm really not in a cranky mood, I swear. I'm actually kinda perky these days. Blame it on the WE channel for follwing Monster with Aileen Wuornos: Life and Death of a Serial Killer. Anyway, I usually make a note of a daily single thing "people" do that drives me nuts. But today, there were just too many to narrow down. Hour after hour, I'd pause and look at a stranger thinking, "My God, you annoy me." I don't think this because I want anything horrible to happen to them or because I truly believe they're bad people. I simply can't help it. Constantly I catch myself watching some engenue in a movie and wondering how nothing seems to tick her off. What an attractive trait that must be to others, I consider. I wonder how she does it?
I'll tell ya how. She's ACTING!
Anyway, here are the Top 5 Things that Really Chap My Hide, as of today:
5: I did see that episode of The Office, yes. No, I don't watch Lost? Either way, I prefer not to hear an entire script performed by a fan. I'm all for quoting cheeseball lines provided both the quoter and the listener are on board. But there is no way I will be convinced of the brilliance of last night's Family Guy by a live-action re-enactment. I know it sounds funny to you, because you saw it. You loved it! To me, it doesn't really make sense and I'm forced to politely listen, counting the seconds until the painful performance ends.
4: On frequent occasion, a few of my neighbors seem to find it perfectly acceptable to stop their primer Pintos in the middle of the block and hold a conversation with a pedestrian. The fact that cars on either side would like to pass some time in the near future is blissfully ignored. Because I fear for my life, I resist the urge to honk or scream. But seriously, what could be so important to halt traffic yet not so important to pull over? This kind of shit should require a permit. Oh wait. It does.
3: When we were younger, anyone who'd hold eye contact for more than a second was accused of having a "staring problem." Little did I know this condition continues into adulthood. I've taken to staring back, locking eyes and firmly asking, "What?" Bitchy? Perhaps. Effective? Oh, those weirdos will never stare again.
2: Just because you say "Excuse me" doesn't make your burp, fart, spit spray, etc socially acceptable. That's like prefacing something cruel with, "No offense." Oh, none taken! Excuse you? I'd be glad to! Someone burped in front of me today and all I could think was, "I coulda held that in." We do not live in one of those cultures where it's a "compliment to the chef" to belch. And I never believed that international law anyway.
1: And finally, you know who I really can't stand? Drivers who cannot get on with their lives after pulling to the side of the road to let a firetruck pass. The sirens have faded away into the distance, no emergency vehicles are anywhere near, the fire is probably out by now. But John Q. Citizen is going 5 miles per hour, hugging the curb just in case.
Okay, that's off my chest. I feel better. And tomorrow is a new day...

9 comments:

Tim said...

Number 3 gets moved to number one, in my book. There is nothing else on the list.

Brock said...

I was thinking about you last night when I watched the Alieen-athon. The whole sound-pressure, thought-control thing was eerie to listen to.

Anonymous said...

#4 drives me insane. Any form of double parking is the rudest thing imaginable.

Tim said...

Pardon me, I meant no.4 as well. WTF is wrong with people.

chuck b. said...

My number one driving-related pet peeve, and it's a huge problem in San Francisco where everyone is a giant pussy, is a driver who doesn't take his right-of-way at a stop sign. If you stop first, you go first. Don't sit there staring at me slack-jawed like I just landed from Mars in a flying saucer. I arrived at the intersection a couple seconds after you did. You know that because you were sitting there at a complete stop when I was still rolling up. It's your turn to go, so GO!

DJTennessee said...

You don't watch "LOST"?

Fuckin' A! You totally should!

Okay, there's this plane crash, and they're all on an island...

Brock said...

Isn't Lost, like, science fiction nd stuff? Blarf.

Anonymous said...

What about the double parkers who double park next to a PARKING SPOT! GAAAA!!!!

Brett said...

And what's the deal with airplane food?