Tuesday, April 14, 2009

i don't even care what happened to the h or k...

If you thought the whole going to rehab thing was rock bottom, you'd be wrong. My rock bottom is my love of Zac Efron. 
When I was 10, I began what can best be described as a mental illness focused entirely on New Kids on the Block. In 7th grade, I "sprained" my ankle, found some old crutches in a closet and went to school in my uniform, one shoe and my injured appendage covered in a NKOTB bedroom slipper in the shape of a puffy, neon high-top. I cried when Donnie got arrested for setting that hotel on fire. And I kept two diaries: 1 about my regular life and 1 as my life relates to NKOTB with the plan of showing the latter to Joe McIntyre on our wedding night/my 18th birthday. 
What?
Anyway, I've always kept a little flame burning for the teen heartthrob. As I get dramatically older and older, it's becoming more and more creepy. But as my beloved Brock and I sipped milkshakes in my parents' TV room at 3am and watched Hairspray, we both sheepishly agreed. 
Zac Efron has a quality. 
I'm not proud of this. I've kept my slight, casual, passing curiosity about this 21 year old in the closet, only confessing to Brock as we clasped hands and giggled as only 30 year olds can do. 
Watch Hairspray and you'll agree. He's fuckin' precious. Even my mother, who was forced to view the movie on an airplane, leaned across the aisle and announced, "That Zac Efron is just wonderful! Is he related to Nora Ephron?"
I have to come out of my pedophile closet however, if for no other reason than to explain why you might see me in a baseball hat and sunglasses, sneaking into 17 Again, shushing 12 year old girls in the theater and sighing, "adorable..." every few minutes. 
I know Brock's in...

11 comments:

Anonymous said...

Um, he's 21. By definition you would not be a pedophile, even if you somehow managed to hook up with him. In fact, you aren't even ten years older. I doubt you'd give dating a 39 year old man a second thought. I mean, Gavin's 41, eleven years older than you are. I realize this is just a fantasy crush-ish thing, but don't limit yourself so much. Really. You never know who your Mr. Right will turn out to be.

I'm nearly two decades older than you are, and over the years I have had relationships with men as much as twenty years older, and younger than I am. Younger men are more fun. Really they are. Plus, they don't try to control everything and are less damaged by life's circumstances than older men.

You would do yourself a huge favor to rethink who may be "appropriate" for you in the future.

Karyn said...

I still remember how angry you got with me at Lake Tahoe when I changed the channel on Joey McIntyre because I had no idea who he was. LMAO. Then I saw him in Wicked in NYC and thought of you.

KG said...

Heck, I'm there for Brian Doyle Murphy, Thomas Lennon, and and NONA!

I agree with you that that Zac has something in Hairspray... however, this movie makes me a tad bit afraid he is going to grow up into Matthew Perry.

Be_Devine said...

Oh my god! You have Mary Kay Letourneau posting as Anonymous 1:15.

Fabulous!

Patricia said...

Be_Devine and Beth, I am actually having one of the worst mornings of my life but Beth your post and Brian your comment helped me laugh out loud and realize its not so bad to owe millions of dollars and be near homelessness...thank you ...so very much

Brock said...

Beth, which photo should I use to register as a sexual predator online? I want something that pops.

Lisa said...

That TeenBeat cover? Awesome! I love that a really awesome prize is a Bruce Willis LP. I about fell out of my chair laughing!

Anonymous said...

Oh, I had such a crush on Kirk Cameron. I rememeber waiting in line the opening night of the movie, "Like Father, Like Son." Now, for me, it's Chad Michael Murray.

Melissa said...

You think that's bad? Check out my new crush: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z-ap5Fp2T6c

And I'll totally go with you and Brock to see 17 Again. I'll be the one throwing Milk Duds at chatty tweens.

Brock said...

Mel & Beth: Let's do it.

Steve said...

The half your age plus seven rule puts him in the deliciously inappropriate category, but just barely. If he turns 22 before you turn 31, you're golden.