Monday, March 02, 2009

i should've went up to him and been all, "It's FEBRUARY, you idiot!"

I've never been particularly wild about "Cousins' Christmas," a yearly dinner with my mother's cousins and their families which, due to my 2nd cousins having babies like it's going out of style, happened in February. My cousin Michael once confessed after I asked if his side of the family thought I was weird, "Yeah. They do." 
Due to the thousands of (okay, three) children under 4, we began and, thus gloriously, ended pretty early on Saturday night. I debated hitting the town with my friends, as it's so easy to crash at the folks. But I'm the weird cousin and I've got a rep to live up to. I kissed said kin goodbye and split, my brother and I heading off in separate cars for our respective evenings out back through a tunnel and across a bridge to civilization.
I was meeting Zoe on Haight Street as her brother Tristan was in town this weekend. Tristan's a firefighter in Oregon and headed down with some of his brethren for a visit. I adore Tristan and his friends, mainly because they're more than willing to regale me with stories about things like their recent ambulance transport of a convicted child molester who was attacked (sexually and violently) by his fellow inmates. Hastings joined us and we all met up at the Gold Cane. 
Sitting around a big table in the middle of the bar, Tristan and his friends convinced me that everyone (no matter what happens) shits their pants when they die. My pleas for information on the possibility of leaving this world as gracefully as possible were ignored. 
"What if I got shot in the head and the heart at the same time?" I asked, after being told that even if one is blown to bits, the other is still alive long enough to release the bowels. 
Ever the gentleman, Tristan patiently answered all of my questions and as I dove back into, "How do you tell if a burned corpse is a man or a woman?" I suddenly felt two hands on my shoulders. Some dude whispered in my hear, "Whatchu talkin' bout, Spotswood."
It took me a second, mainly because he was incognito in a baseball hat and fleece, but I finally realized it was my friend Joe! I jumped up to hug him hello when he said, "Can you believe Willis is here?"
Confused, I asked, "Who the hell is Willis?"
"Todd Bridges. He's right there, sitting at the bar."
I will gladly accept my moniker of the "weird cousin" if it means hanging out in dive bars with Joe Vazquez who then introduces me to Todd Bridges.
Joe and I were pretty goddamn excited and quickly leaned in to fill Zoe and the boys in on the celebrity in our midst. Hastings then marched right up to Willis himself and dragged him over for a photoshoot with our firemen. Which is when Joe felt the need to tell Todd all about my blog. And Willis, I'm shocked to report, politely listened to our blog recommendations, bizarre jokes and 80's sitcom fawning. While unfortunately a shorter, regularly dressed fella, he seemed to delight in his celebrity and was genuinely nice to us. Obviously, the second Willis went back to the bar, we immediately detailed his crime spree and drug use. 
In the morning, I woke up to e-mails from Joe and Hastings, both of whom has done a little background on Mr. Todd Anthony Bridges, my new dear friend. 
Here are my favorites:
~"In 1993, Todd Bridges was involved in an altercation with a tenant, David Joseph Kitchen, in his house after an disagreement about unpaid rent. Kitchen attacked Bridges with a sword, then Bridges retaliated by stabbing him in the chest with a kitchen knife."
~"Additionally, Bridges appeared along with Gary Coleman and Vanilla Ice on a VH-1's celebrity-reality show The Surreal Life. (Coleman was featured in the 2004 season of The Surreal Life, where he managed a restaurant at which the other cast members worked, and after Bridges appeared, was encouraged by Vanilla Ice to say "What'chu talkin' 'bout, Willis?" much to his dismay and disapproval resulting in Coleman leaving the restaurant.)"
~And finally, "In January 2007, he appeared as a member of the "mob" on the US version of the game show '1 vs. 100.' He was eliminated on the first question after failing to correctly answer the question, 'Which month has an extra day during a leap year?'"
I literally met Todd Bridges at 11:45pm on February 28th. Fabulous!
Yesterday, Tara, Big Chris and I wandered around Chinatown, getting in fights with the dim sum lady and playing Michael Jackson songs on a jukebox. At one point, Tara took a sip of her Tsing Tao and said, "Did you guys know Todd Bridges is a wrestler?"
"You know, Willis. From Diff'rent Strokes."
What are the odds?
"Oh. Oh, I know. Get a load of what happened to me last night..."


Greg said...

Joe Vasquez and Todd Bridges hang out at the gold Cane?

Wow. that is some pretty cool news!

(meant in a good way not in blog sarcasm way).

Anonymous said...

Great News!

Tim said...

I served on the jury for a capital murder trial in 2007. One of the witnesses for the prosecution was a retired chief medical examiner for Alameda County, and he testified that not everyone, um, evacuates their bowels at their time of expiration. Thought you'd like to know.

LB said...

love me some gold cane.