Monday, March 23, 2009

by the way, calling people "guy" is my new thing...

I am home sick today and much to my horror, my illness is legitimate. I won't go into the gory details, but I could easily be cast as a dead body on a lesser crime show right now. Every time I take 10 minutes to go to the kitchen and get more coffee, I feel the need to offer up a loud, "Oh Jesus, help me." 
Anyway, I had to give up my awesome parking space and drive myself to Walgreens to pick up some essentials: Tylenol, DayQuil, toilet paper, Diet Coke and Top Ramen. I also treated myself to some $7.99 Rembrant toothpaste. 
Now this Walgreens is the Walgreens where I've seen both the dented head man, a fella with a good 1/3rd of his skull dented inward who asks for money at the front door AND a dude shooting heroin in between his toes in the parking lot. This Walgreens employs a security guard who does nothing but stand at the door and watch people struggle with their baskets. That's it. So you can imagine my surprise when today, this guard who, I'm not exaggerating here, works at the most ghetto Walgreens in the world, starts following me around. 
Granted, I kinda look like that mug shot of Nick Nolte. But I can't imagine I'd garner that much suspicion. 
Aisle to aisle, this guy was definitely tailing me. I was one of three or four customers in that whole ghetto place and perhaps I'm biased, but I was probably the only one that hasn't done any time. Unless you count rehab. If I were workin' security and lookin' to nab a shop lifter, I wouldn't have pegged me. I'd probably keep my eyes on the middle-aged man in the cereal section actually sitting on the floor agonizing over his choices. 
This security guard was always 3 feet away and staring directly at me, to the point where our proximity could no longer be ignored. But quite frankly, I was way too embarrassed to say anything. This guy thought I was thief! So I just turned to face him and stared back. 
It was like the staring contests my brother and I used to have out of sheer boredom. This dude and I locked eyes like we were in a Western. A tumbleweed should've rolled by, the other Walgreens customers hiding behind the Easter Peeps display wondering who'd go for their gun first. 
Finally, after what seemed like an eternity of intense, serious, intimate eye-sex, the security guard just turned around and walked away. I stood in the middle of the aisle dumbfounded. I wanted to throw my hands in the air and scream, "What's the problem, guy?" 
I have no punchline to this tale. That's it. I paid for my shit and left. I have no idea why this guy was following me, why I was forced into a stare-off and why he never said a word. But what I do know is that if I'm the one stirring suspicion at the 24th and Potrero Walgreens, I'm sicker than I thought...

8 comments:

Be_Devine said...

Did you remember to put your outside clothes on before you left the house?

I picture you wandering around Walgreens naked in your Snuggie with this guy following you trying to catch a glimpse.

Sweet Melissa said...

I bet he was just checking you out.

Patricia said...

I bet he wanted to ask you for an autograph but was chicken to do it.

Ooooorrrrr,
He remembers you from high school like what happened to me...literally, mall security guy follows me around I finally turn and say "hi" and he goes into a 10 minute rendition of how he remembers me from high school...i left in shock b/c I didn't know him and proceeded to look at apts in Utah.

mamiel said...

That Walgreen's parking lot (you ARE referring to the Walgreen's at 24th and Potrero, non?) is my backyard. Lucky, me right?

ANYWAY can you believe that Walgreen's doesn't sell disposable lighters? The bastards......

KG said...

Psh everyone knows if you're going to shoplift at Walgreens you bring a small child along and shove the stuff in their jacket. That when you get caught, you can just play "shocked."

Honkus said...

As soon as you said "guy shooting heroin between his toes in the parking lot" and "security guard who does nothing but watch you struggle with your basket," I knew you were talking about the 24th and Potrero Walgreens.

I used to go to the 30th and Mission one 'cause it's closer to me in BH but that one is even worse. The pharmacists steal from your prescriptions!

rhiannon said...

Guy is my go-to indefinite pronoun. Absolutely. I picked it up from my friend from Wisconsin.

mamiel said...

By the way, I know a homeless guy who got beat up by the security guard there and won a settlement. All the other homeless in the neighborhood are envious, but also psyched about it cause he treats them to free cans of Steel Reserve