If you've been around me in the past two months, odds are, we've discussed jerky. It's my new thing, and if you want to get me going on a roll, bring up dried beef. I'm all over it.
Immediately after I emerged from rehab, my family went to Ireland for Christmas where I had a bag of jerky on my person at all times. I'd grown addicted as jerky was easily available in the rehab gift shop and gave me some street cred to all the redneck junkies. Hastings, horrified to discover my gas station snack on one of his dutiful weekly rehab visits, was determined to find me a classy version, so he marched me into St. Helena's Dean & DeLuca and demanded to know where the fancy jerky was. They had none.
Hence, gas station jerky is a big part of my life right now. My mother noted this and smirked. "Why are you eating that trucker food, Beth?"
Ha! Shows what you know. "Uh, mom, you're obviously not aware that this whole bag has like 200 calories, no fat and 40 grams of protein."
"What!?!? Lemme try!"
And with that, I'd recruited another resident into my wonderful world of beef jerky.
Needless to say, the second I saw an in, I brought up jerky last night. Eve and Brock have these little, exclusive blogger get-togethers on occasion, or so they finally told me YESTERDAY and I was begrudgingly allowed to attend. I'm probably not even allowed to talk about it so don't bring it up or I'll be sleeping with the fishes. Anyway, Jackson made some comment about cross-addicting and I saw an opening. "I've cross-addicted to jerky!"
To which Tim, the man who brought us Inca Cola, announced, "Have you had Jeff Foxworthy's beef jerky?"
Apparently, it's available at Safeway, but I'm embarrassed to tell you I went directly to Safeway after leaving my friends for the sole purpose of finding Jeff Foxworthy jerky and alas, they didn't have it.
I know what you're thinking and no, I did not ask. My Safeway isn't the kind of place you want to ask questions. As I checked out with my shitty Safeway-brand jerky, the (insert politically correct word for retarded) bagger said "Happy Birthday! Merry Christmas!" I didn't want to stick around for the answer to "Do you have Jeff Foxworthy beef jerky?"
I did, however, google it today. Please, Dear God, please check out this website. Not only am I proud to be a jerky-loving American, but I'm delighted we're ALL included somewhere in this:
You might be a redneck, or know someone who is, but Jerky also appeals to classy women, anglers, hikers, skiiers, snowboarders, hunters, extreme sporters and the dietary concious (sic).
I'm particularly fond of the Testimonials section, especially customer Ned Sanders, from Chico, CA who had this to say: "I have dealt with a lot of people on the interntet but this guy is the best!!!!! A++++++Quick" and Mike Honcho, location unknown who reported, "When I went away one summer to community college, I discovered your jerky. It's some of the best around!"
Some of the best around? I've got to get my hands on Jeff Woxworthy's jerky! (You know, I never thought I'd utter that sentence, but it's the truth.) And while you've visiting the Testimonials page, do yourself a favor and scroll down to the "Jeff Foxworthy Jerky Enhances Lives" letter. Pure jerky gold, I tell you.
I can only hope to one day be so famous as to have my own line of beef jerky. Until then, I'm comin' to find you, Jeff...