Friday, February 27, 2009

boats and hoes...

The last time I hung out with Big Chris, I may have stormed out of the bar in a sober huff. After two months, I'd finally had it with him referring to my stint in rehab as "the funny farm." I think I may have scared him with my "suddenly turning into a chick" and last night, he was on his best behavior. It lasted about 10 minutes into our dinner at The Front Porch before he started in with, "So , get a load of what happened with this chick I was banging."
Turns out, Chris has been hooking up with a young woman who he finally decided to take to dinner at a "expensive as fuck fish joint." Apparently, she was grilling him hard about his job and his family. "I just made shit up." Chris explained, and eventually took her home, where her roommate was "being a cock block" and wouldn't retreat to her room. In the morning, Chris left and later in the day received the following text. "Hey Chris, thank you for dinner last night. I don't think we should see each other any more. We don't really have anything in common. Take care." That's close to verbatim, as Chris has the message "burned into (his) mind."
I was livid. It's one thing for ME to regard Chris as an incredibly offensive man-child who has "dress Nikes" and judges every man he meets on whether or not Chris could take him in a fight. It's entirely another for some 26 year old skank to blow off my Big Chris.
Chris was only mad she chose to be upfront as opposed to the much appreciated blow-off.
"I know!" I agreed with him. "That's so unnecessary."
Chris shrugged. "Whatever. She served her purpose."
I then asked what exactly he said at dinner. Apparently, the young woman's name was Pam so Chris decided to re-enact THIS SCENE from the movie Step Brothers all night long.
Alas, Pam had not seen Step Brothers and was not amused.
Anyway, after our very well-behaved, grown-up dinner where I was informed I needed to date men "who don't talk to their mother everyday and love to re-do their closets," we headed to Pop's, a dive bar up the street from our usual barstools at Dirty Thieves. Chris, it seems, has been stealing his cable and finally got busted. He now only has 9 channels, one of which being PBS. Forced to watch it, he literally knew every bizarre, random trivia answer on Jeopardy. Watching Chris watch Jeopardy is like watching Jeopardy with Rain Man. Chris also spent Valentine's Day stuck on the Oxygen women's channel, enjoying Bridget Jones' Diary and Love Actually. "I had to get in touch with my feminine side before I went the the bars because I wanted to get my knob polished, WHICH I DID."
Finally, Chris once again regaled me with my favorite Big Chris topic, the names of people on his college basketball team. "Oh, you mean Santonio? LaRoger? Or Coco's sons, Armando and Cervando? Then there was Milt, who we called Chocolate Milt...because he's black." I can't explain it, but hearing Chris go on and on about his glory days on the court cracks me up. He now plays on a co-ed adult team, which he regards at the "low point of (his) athletic career."
While I will never date Big Chris much less sleep with him, I have to say he is one my favorite people I have ever met in my entire life.
And while he drives me nuts, mocks me incessantly and leaves my home unlocked long after I've gone to bed and he's ordered Pay Per View on my television, you know what? Pam can go fuck herself...

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

While Big Chris behavior doesn't surprise me and makes me a little damp I really gotta know...

How was The Front Porch? I went there and got really crappy waitstaff service but overall good food...

Pam obvisously doesn't have a sense of humor and was a low point in Big Chris attempts at human companionship he should take a break..and invest in some soul searching crap like 7 Habits or Suze orman

Sweet Melissa said...

Chris is an asshole, but he's YOUR asshole. And anyone who will spend an afternoon helping me move (even though he obviously did it as a favor to you and not me) will forever be loved. Pam really missed out on something great...

Brittney said...

"Dress Nikes" made me lose my shit.

Becky said...

"Polish his knob." Chris is so charming.

Becky said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

I'm trying to compare Chris with your other older frat boy love interest, and I see a lot in common between the two. I see Chris as an unfortunate soul who never made friends with a billionaire family.

kwk said...

Ya' know, if a guy gets a brush off after sleeping with someone it could well say something about his lovemaking ability (or lack of . . .)

Anonymous said...

This makes me sad. If some jerk were wasting your evening telling you ridiculous stories and clearly not giving a crap about you as a person, you would be cranky with him. I think Pam was very kind to him. You aren't doing Chis any favors by encouraging his frat boy behavior. Friends don't let friends go through life as jerks.

Anonymous said...

Chris seems to hate women. You are encouraging him. This cannot end well for him or you or other women.