If you’ve got a Facebook account, you’ve been bombarded with “25 Things” about all of your “friends.” I can’t really bring myself to post 25 things about myself because I already subject you fine people to something along those lines daily. But today is Melissa’s birthday and as I was trying to re-write the lyrics to our song, I figured why ruin a masterpiece? I’ll simply tell you 25 things about Melissa. I know you’re all sick of our love festivals, but tough shit. You get what you pay for. Okay, here goes:
1. Melissa does not have a problem with confrontation.
2. She talks in her sleep.
3. She’s a Muslim, which makes it easier for me to say a lot of inappropriate things because when people get mad, I can reply, “Relax. My best friend’s Muslim.”
4. She will always order the macaroni and cheese. Always.
5. Lots of people think she’s really busy and hard to get a hold of and insanely popular, which I guess is true. Just not for me. I am incredibly confident that there’s nothing on earth she wouldn’t drop if I needed her. She could be on TV and get a text from me and say, “Sorry, Oprah. Gotta run.” And Melissa is incredibly confident that I wouldn’t ruin her Oprah interview unless it was pretty important.
6. If I admire something in a store, she secretly goes back and gets it for me. For no reason. I’m just waiting for the right moment to just “happen” to walk past a BMW dealership.
7. Her mom wrote me letters in rehab, THAT’S how supportive she is. You know, I’ve got to admit, I heard a couple of mumblings about maybe Mel wouldn’t be as BFF-y as she was before I quit the sauce. While I didn’t doubt her for a second, I had no idea she’d weather the storm Capt. Sully-style.
8. She never tells me when I look like shit. I’d hope it because she’s wildly jealous and would want me to look bad so George Clooney would fall in love with her instead of me, but it’s not. It because she just never thinks I look like shit. Even if I had shit on me for some unfortunate reason, she’s incapable of seeing it. Wait, maybe this is not a good thing.
9. Melissa does not own one piece of furniture.
10. She knows all the words to “Man in the Mirror.”
11. Melissa holds my hand when I cry. It doesn’t seem like a big deal and I haven’t had a big cry in awhile, but she holds my hand when I cry.
12. She always calls the male help “Sir.” I think it’s a Southern thing.
13. Melissa is the only other person on earth who knows what IUJU means. It’s probably the only secret I can keep.
14. We have discovered that there is no greater BFF bonding that locking ourselves in a fancy hotel room for a weekend. Seriously. Try it. No men, no other friends, so fresh air. We answer the phone “Griffwoods” and Sept. 11th Part 2 could happen and…actually, we’d find that really interesting.
15. Mel supports me even when she disagrees with me, which when you think about it, is pretty hard to do.
16. She worked at a Kentucky Friend Chicken in the Deep South.
17. Nothing on earth could occur that would make Melissa not be my friend anymore. If we argue about anything, which is rare but possible, she fixes it immediately. Immediately.
18. She does not like it when you’re lost at 2am and you turn off the headlights to see how dark it is.
19. She makes plans for us. Apparently, I’m going to some crab feed next month.
20. When Melissa talks to her mom on the phone, she has a really thick Southern accent. It’s like an episode of Designing Women.
21. “What the hell’s a canapé? Is that what rich people call a veggie tray?”
22. I took her as my “plus 1” to a wedding in Napa and after she won some game involving her being wrapped in toilet paper, she gave the losing teams the finger.
23. The woman is not a big fan of “the outdoors.”
24. Melissa knows a lot of lesbians.
25. As pointed out to me by a myriad of people, some of whom are addicted to crack, some of whom gave me Librium in rehab, some of whom employ me, some who know me well and some I’ve never met, 2008 was not my year.
Eh, I met Melissa Griffin. Yeah it was…