Wednesday, January 21, 2009

at the grocery store. typical...

Today's Culture Blog IS UP!
Sorry for the delay.

And a quick follow-up story...
We weren't really able to get any food at the event. The lines were too long and when the crowds finally died down, the food was of course, gone. Had we been drinking, Mel and I'd have decided an epic dinner at Epic was in order and dropped another $400 on being obnoxious in a fancy restaurant. Oh, how I miss those days. Anyway, around 10, I hugged Melissa goodbye and on my way home, swung by my ghetto-ass grocery store to pick up ingredients for my new favorite snack, cucumber sandwiches.
I was still all dressed up and feeling quite fetching, wandering the produce section still wobbling around in heels. A totally aesthetically appropriate guy walked right up to me and made conversation. He wasn't creepy or weird, he wasn't particularly douchey. He was actually quite cool, considering I was holding a giant cucumber.
And as I sensed he was about to ask for some type of contact information, I busted out with the following lecture:
"I'm actually not allowed to date for a year. I know, I know, it sounds weird. I mean, who knows if I'll even follow this rule, but I'm in recovery. I...I just got out of rehab and it's called the 13th step. Have you seen 28 Days? We're not supposed to date until we get our shit together and look at me rambling. My shit is obviously not together. Oh God. I'm so sorry. This is ridiculous."
This is pretty close to verbatim, as if I was performing a monologue from an 80's sitcom. And the truth is, few actually adhere to the 13th step. I certainly have no plans to. I just can't shut the hell up and am so profoundly concerned that one day, I will have to tell some man I once went to rehab, it tends to be the first thing I blurt out.
The poor guy just stared at me, smiled and said, "Okay. Well, you look great. Congratulations. Take care."
And all I could do was stand there looking terrified while the man that was probably meant to be my first husband walked over to the booze aisle and tried to forget about the crazy lady in produce...

15 comments:

Anonymous said...

I did the 13th Step and that's when suddenly you're the most attractive person alive. The moment you allow yourself to date again, no one's interested.

And I'd love to get coffee with you and talk about this ;)

analise said...

eh first marriage is a starter marriage anyways. just think that you got it out of the way and can move on to second marriage that is when you are ready.

Patricia said...

I must quote " He was quite cool considering I was holding a giant cucumber"

I think it is the well known fact you are an amazing beautiful person and by some sheer fate you met him at Safeway...

I think in one year's time you will be seeing him again and I can only hope he does live up to that cucumber...

I am highlighting that line and framing this post as i type

Sweet Melissa said...

You DID look great, my dear. I'm loving the hair.

Anonymous said...

It happens to the best of us...

Love, Ansel :)

Clair said...

As fabulous as you have may have looked, my experience indicates the guys who try to pick you up in the produce aisle NEVER end up calling. And what is it with the produce aisle anyway? Most people look way more sophisticated pondering cheeses than they do lettuce.

Anonymous said...

Ok. I must have to admit, I myself have not adhered to the 13th step. I couldnt hold out. I know, I know. All my counslers and peers would be ashamed but dammit, Im only human. So you will be great once you feel the time is right you will start dating again.

Rose

Anonymous said...

the meat aisle...better

Greg said...

Hi Beth

No matter what, I will always light a lighter for you. Because you and your talent rock. You are a hero of mine and your writing continues to grow and evolve into that intersection of insight and entertainment the hippie bloggers could only dream of.

:-)

-Greg

Spots said...

I love how my rehab "peers" are commenting on this shit. Rose, I totally approve.
Love you, love Ansel...

Karyn said...

It could be worse - you could be worrying about telling someone you went to jail for killing your first husband - but you got off on a technicality... (not that I speak from experience)... LOL

kwk said...

There's that cucumber (and a bit later rehab) scene in the movie "Animal House":

Eric S.: 'My cucumber...it's bigger. I think vegetables can be very sensuous, don't you?'

Mrs. Wormer: 'No, vegetables are sensual. People are sensuous.'

/kim

Becky said...

At least you were in sweats and slippers with a hole in the heel. It's the little things...

Becky said...

weren't*

donn said...

I think this story is AWESOME! Congrats for doing what was best for you - and trust that it will be easier in time. Besides, I agree with Karyn - there are far worse things to have to admit to than rehab.