Tuesday, December 02, 2008

take the stairs...

While we were all "enjoying" this past holiday weekend, some of us more than others, some poor dude's dead body was trapped in an elevator shaft in what I like to call, the House of Shields Building.
I guess in my naive youth, I thought soap operas had proprietary reign over people falling down elevator shafts. Apparently not, as this is the second (yeah, second) time in recent months I've heard about someone falling down an elevator shaft, or at least that's what a dinner companion claimed. He might have just been blowing me off, but that's one hell of an excuse for being late.
How exactly does one fall down an elevator shaft? Because if I was standing on the 86th Floor of the Spotswood Media Corp. Building and pushed the button summoning the elevator (or rather, had Tucker, my Rhodes Scholar, J. Crew model assistant push it for me) and the doors opened, I would not trustingly step my Manolo-clad foot into a sea of darkness and filthy cables, assuming that perhaps the carpet, lights, wood paneling and uniformed elevator operator, Mr. Honeycutt were all under construction. "Oh, Tucker, cancel my Friday reservation at Spruce as Oprah's in town and she detests their mixed field gree ... AHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
It's got to take a certain concentrated obliviousness to blindly march right into a black hole to certain death, much less on a holiday weekend when poor Tucker and I wouldn't be found for 6 whole days, our lifeless but finally entwined bodies ignored while you assholes scarf down your turkey with cheap beer and football you pretend to care about.
Anyway, be careful out there kids. And perhaps look before you leap...

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

Back in the day, there was a really good episode of LA Law where Leland's girlfriend took a header down the elevator shaft exactly the way you described.
XOMOM

sfmike said...

This story just gets juicier with every detail. Forget the Christmas Tiger Rampage or the Canaria Prieto dogs that tore apart the poor lesbian lacrosse coach in Russian Hill.

The elevator victim, it seems, was a militant Zionist, a militant gay, a militant vegetarian, a militant bicyclist, and there are probably a few more subcultures that have yet to come to the surface. He had been taking Arab language courses for the last three years in the House of Shields Building on the 7th floor, but they canceled the class right before Thanksgiving but didn't bother telling him. The perfidy only increases from there.

Now amongst all those groups I figure he must have crossed paths with a few serious fellow loons, and one of them "helped" him over the security door and down the seven stories of the elevator shaft. And of course the police really have no intention of calling this anything but a suicide because it would actually entail working. Plus, with a list of suspects from the various people this character must have pissed off over the years, it would be Epic Agatha Christie, literally a cast of hundreds.

When you get out of rehab, you need to find the real killer.

LB said...

This morning a friend told me about a woman who fell down the stairs on Friday, cracked her head on the wall on her way down, and wasn't found until Monday, dead.

Don't take the stairs, either. Or at least take a buddy.

Karyn said...

Oh - the LA Law episode that your mom refereced was the BEST!

Anonymous said...

Hey whats up? Girl you are brilliant! Hope all is good at the corner PH unit.Pismo beach treated me good and the surf pumped. I am still being lazy hanging in the bay area , back to Pismo this weekend and maybe back to reality next week. What the fuck is reality any way? Take care girl you are way coooool!