When my brother went to kindergarten, he was in the same class as a kid named Pete and as they grew up, it became my responsibility to drop Alex off at his friends' houses. Pete's older brother Jason was tasked with the same shitty job and eventually, we became very good friends. Anyway, Jason ended up becoming a fancy pants architect, just like his dad, and started a firm with his incredibly hot business partner, John. At Jason's lovely Olema wedding, I ended up spending the entire reception making fun of people in the corner with John's (non-professional) partner, Adam. Neither of us really knew anyone and we were perfectly happy to grab a bottle of something and bond. You know when you meet someone at a party and you promise to be friends in the real world and then you never see them again? Much to my delight, Adam and I became friends in the real world. Adam's one of those appallingly attractive, confident people who could be intimidating, but aren't because they have nothing to prove. He's fucking fabulous.
Even more to my delight, I recently had some time to kill so I snuck in a downtown bar, grabbed a complimentary 7x7 Magazine and made myself at home. Oh, the Style Issue! Perfect. And look, the 9 "Most Captivating" Style Makers. I wonder which tacky bitches are on this list.
Guess who's Number 8 .... Adam. Adam!
Holy shit, what a brilliant list!
I was pretty goddamn thrilled that my friend was being recognized for his amazing style. I even showed the magazine to the dude sitting next to me, who feigned interest and then asked me how to get to Centerfolds.
Anyway, I've been thinking to myself that it must be very cool to be in a magazine, which lies around in hotel lobbies and doctor's offices for a whole month. Boy oh boy, one day I've got to get myself in a magazine. I'd be like Aunty Lindo in Joy Luck Club and march through Chinatown holding my magazine across my chest. "You see? Waverly chess champion!"
This morning, I found myself on the receiving end of a mass e-mail from Jason. Turns out, Jason and John are featured in 10 to Watch in California Home+Design where Jason described San Francisco as "increasingly historicist". What the fuck! Who are these people and why have they been holding out on me?!? Jason gets to be famous now? Please. I talked that man into plaid pants.
So if these three get to be featured on glossies which proclaim them gorgeous geniuses with cool jobs, I want in. Although I lack the looks, the genius and the cool job. But I won't let that stop me. I'll just, maybe, you know, lower my standards.
So here's my Top 10 List of Magazines I might be able to get in:
9: Our Lady of the Little Lamb Parish Newsletter
8: Auto Trader
6: Tiger Beat
5: TV Guide
4: Chicks That Are Friends With Sensitive Men Monthly
3: US en Espanol
2: Senior Living
1: Bird Talk
Congratulations Jason, John and Adam! I sincerely look forward to reaping the benefits of whatever success this publicity brings you...