Monday, September 29, 2008

someone throw acid in my eyes...

My very sweet day job boss and Board took me to Spring Awakening last night, which meant three middle-aged couples and me met for a pre-theater drink at Grand Cafe and then watched a musical about incest, suicide and abortion together. 
Needless to say, I loved it. 
I was seated in between former Board President, the fabulous MJ and an empty seat. Apparently, someone assumed I'd have a plus one. Uh, nope. Mel just saw the show and any man I know would never attend 'the theatre' with me and a bunch of my bosses while people have musical sex, abortions and commit suicide 100 feet away. 
Yeah, that'd totally fly with Big Chris. 
Anyway, right behind us, a couple could NOT shut up. On and on their chatter went, often rising beyond a whisper and always, of course, at tense, silent emotional moments. My prolonged, twisted stares went unnoticed and while I would normally never say a word and merely complain to others, I was this close to asking them to zip it. 
As the intermission lights went up, I got a good look at them.
Oh god. 
He's a blind!
While the central casting sunglasses and foldable cane gave it away, I'm already sensitive to the plight of the theater-going sight-less American. Said day job is a theater company and we offer one show that is "described for the visually impaired." We give them little transmitters and headsets and hire people to describe everything that's happening on stage. You know, along the lines of, "So now, Dorothy and Toto are following the yellow brick road, which you've probably gathered by that song they're singing. Anyway, the road is actually made of yellow bricks, not that you know what yellow looks like..." You get the idea. 
Back to Spring Awakening, it was very clear that the pair behind us consisted of a describer and a blind person, which meant I couldn't very well turn around and hiss, "Shut the fuck up! What are you? Deaf?"
But MJ was unaware and clearly, not as sensitive to cripples and their 'rights' as me. 
"God, that couple behind us!"
"Midge, shhhhh!"
"They're very rude, don't you think?"
"Um, well I would if he wasn't BLIND."
"Oh dear."
Man, those blinds get away with murder. If I were blind, I'd walk (carefully) into every bar in town and order a Belvedere Gibson. 
"$14, ma'am."
"Of course! He's a crisp twenty dollar bill, my good man."
Then I'd hand him a five with a big, proud smile on my face. "Keep the change, friend."
What's he gonna do? Nothing, that's what. 
Hey, the perks of suffering through 3 years of brail lessons, I guess...


Molly Crosland said...

Beth, you're sick. But I love you!

Anonymous said...

Good God, I love you.

Anonymous said...

There was a blind when I went and saw it a week and a half ago. And he had his dog in the theatre, which I thought was AWESOME. I kept wondering how the dog felt about sitting in the aisle of the theatre listening to kids sing "It's a BITCH!" Did his ears perk up? "Bitches? Where?" And how did they know to give him the aisle seat so his dog could sit there? Do you have to call and say, "Um, yeah, I'm blind and bringing my dog, can you give me the aisle seat? Kthanx." Would love to the operator on that phone call!

But I didn't sit near them so thus now shushing problem.

Marge said...

You so funny!!!

blair said...

oh my. cannot.stop.laughing.

Anonymous said...

Try, 3 years of braille lessons from a teacher who couldn't spell. Yeah, it was that awesome.

Anonymous said...

I can't believe you. I find little humor in what you have to write normally but this is beyond the pale. "Cripples"? Honey, the only cripple is you and the people stroking your ego are your crutches. You have deep seated issues missy that aren't going to be solved by getting drunk. Get yourself some good psychiatric help.

Spots said...

I have to admit, I love the word 'cripple' mainly because it still gets a rise out of the kind of people who use phrases like "beyond the pale" and then pepper their 1990's politically correct rants with "honey" and "girly" in some Tyra-esque way of keepin' it real.

Cripple! Cripple! Cripple!
Ahhh! Help!!!!! Someone get me a therapist!!!!!!!

Tom Roberts said...

Your comments about "cripples" and "blinds" would have been a big hit with the Third Reich. Like you, the Nazis felt superior and inconvenienced by disabled people.

Anonymous said...

Spots, you would love the word cripple, you're so crippled yourself. You have led what most would consider a pretty soft life and yet you have to manufacture problems that annoy you and look for pity. Well I do pity you, but not for the reasons you might think. Throw acid in your eyes? What, and give you something real to bitch about? I think not. Continue with your obnoxious rich big spoiled girl whining. It tres amusant NOT to those of us who have real grow up problems.

Anonymous said...

I read this post and laughed heartily. Then I read the comments and thought I must have missed something as the author is apparently a Nazi. but I laughed again.
You folks need to lighten up and stop searching the internet for blog posts to get mad at.
I've been in a wheelchair since I was 19 and have no problem seeing the humor in life or my disability.
Thanks for the giggles, Spots!

Anonymous said...

oh my god. i laughed quite a bit at this. obviously, a bit rude. but, eh. no matter what you do, you're going to end up offending someone. in my opinion, all you can do is apologize and laugh it off. everyone has a stick up their ass these days about being politically correct. gah!