Tuesday, September 09, 2008

pray away the gay...

As my dearest Mel would say, Oh Em Gee!
I haven't written about Sarah Palin yet because there's too many things to make fun of and I can't make up my mind which mockable flaw to start with.
Until now!
Get a load of THIS. Sarah's church promotes converting homos! (hold on, I need to applaud alone at my computer, this shit cracks me up so much.) How kind of them to want to convert the queens as opposed to damn them to hell for all of eternity. Or is that what happens if you don't convert to...what? Screwing some chick with a bad perm and a pilgrim collar?
After a long 'day job' meeting in Mill Valley last night, I crashed at my folks and arrived just in time for my dad's steak pot pie and snuggling with my mom whilst discussing my fitness routine and career path. Then I watched "Once" and crashed in my brother's room, pristinely maintained as a museum to Alex's greatness.
Oh, heterosexuality. You work so well!
"Bethy!" My father screamed. "We have three gay weddings!"
Um, what the hell are you talking about, sinner?
My parents, who attend mass religiously (heh), could not be more delighted for this fall's barrage of homo-nuptials. The Brians will be married on Sunday, and much to my horror have registered with charities as opposed to Gump's. My mother was thrilled to buy some hut-dwelling third world a cow. Screw that!
Mel, Tara and I, instead of kicking in for a couple of goats, decided to offset catering costs and...you guessed it. Bartend!
Next, we have Ron and Rick's wedding, a black tie affair at the City Club. Ron's instructed me to bring a date. And much like a chorus member in a high school musical with an invitation to prom, I'm bringing my tux-clad brother. Ron and Rick, thank God, have registered exactly like Ma and Pa.
At Tiffany and Gump's. (Jesus Christ, my grandmother lives on! I'll be getting Ron and Rick a $72 scented candle and a hug.)
Finally, the folks have a gay wedding with queens I don't even know! Where are they registered? Oh, just donate to "No on Prop 8."
Hold. On.
"Wait, wait, wait. What gays do you know?"
"Beth, relax."
"I just think it's funny that you have so many gay weddings to attend." I sheepishly offered.
"Jesus, who's kid are you?"
"Really, Bethy. It's not a big deal."
"I'm surprised at your shock."
"We think it's great!"
My mother, so Catholic she spent 2 weeks in Mexico giving eye exams with her homegirls to celebrate her 60th, bought the Brians "His and His" designer coffee mugs months ago. You know, in addition to the cow.
"How adorable is THIS!"
"It's cute, mom."
"Won't Brian and Brian love it?"
"Oh, they'll love it."
The Brians made the mistake of having my parents to homemade pasta and political discussion at their fabulous home. Dick and Joanne are now "highly gay friendly" and thus, self congratulatory. Shit, they've got gays I don't even know about!
So getting back to my point, let's use my insane family as a barometer. They're as nuts as you could ever find. And if Ma and Pa, who truly make their Catholic faith a big part of their fun, sinner lifestyle, are excited about buying the Brians, whom they love very much, a cow AND trendy coffee mugs, then uh...maybe...Sarah Palin can suck it big time...


alex said...

Shit! I could have had steak pot pie last night!?!?!

Be_Devine said...

So much for Dick and Joanne's surprise present.

I hope the cow is being delivered to my house. Homemade Cowgirl cheese for everyone!!!

Couldn't love you (or the whole Spotswood clan) more!