As I stated on today’s Culture Blog, I’m going to try to recap Mad Men because it’s the only thing I care about, pretty much, in my entire life. If you’re not watching this show, you’re a fucking idiot and I have nothing to say to you. If you ARE watching Mad Men, you have fabulous, wonderful taste and I love you.
For the Mad Men rookie, let me just break down to main people for you:
Don Draper: He’s the Creative Director at Sterling Cooper (the advertising agency). Don is moody and talented and hot and screws around on…
Betty Draper: ‘Bets’ is Don’s gorgeous and annoying housewife who doesn’t really like her kids as much as she likes riding her horse in fabulous outfits.
Peggy Olson: Zoe from the West Wing, Peggy started out as a frightened secretary and is now a talented copy writer. Peggy’s big secret is that she has a kid, which no one knows about, even the father…
Pete Campbell: A complete asshole Account Executive, Pete keeps trying to screw everyone over. I hate him and his dad just died in a plane crash.
Okay, but none of these people compare to JOAN AND ROGER!!!!!!!!!!!
Roger Sterling: Co-owns Sterling Cooper. I love him. He treats women, employees, his wife and himself like shit and is king of the one-liners. He starts drinking and smoking at 9am and once had a heart attack immediately after riding some aspiring actress as if she were a horse. He has been having a fabulous long term affair with…
Joan Holloway: Joan is my hero in every possible way someone can be another person’s hero. Mainly, Joan is a real life version of Jessica Rabbit, only she’s a stone cold bitch, has the greatest clothes in the history of humanity and claims to be engaged to a doctor all of a sudden whom we’ve never met. I’ve got a hunch that this spinster is making up Dr. Wonderful to fuck with everyone, but who cares? I love Joan. I love Roger. I love Joan and Roger together. They’re my Ross and Rachel.
There are a bunch of other people who either work at Sterling Cooper (Harry Crane, I love you too), are clients of Sterling Cooper or random people, like the douche who hangs out at the stables with Bets.
Okay, so this past Sunday the Sterling Cooper boys (and poor, fumpy, secret-baby Peggy) are working on the Playtex advertising campaign and Peggy keeps finding herself left out of the team. Basically, the boys (Harry was noticeably absent this episode, apparently off running the unseen, never discussed Television Dept. of Sterling Cooper) were coming up with all kinds of ways to market bras and came up with this theory that there are two kinds of women: Marilyns and Jackies. When they explained this to Peggy, she quietly asked which kind she was and those douchebags called her Gertrude Stein. Don tried to make-it up to Poor Peggy, but the conversation quickly turned to a visit to a tittie bar, and the Playtex Execs were all over it.
Wisely, Peggy consulted Joan on how to break her way into the boys club and Joan, having given Peggy a what-for, told her to stop dressing like a little girl. The next thing you know, Peggy’s busting into the strip joint in a fabulous, sexy dress and sitting on Playtex’s lap, much to the horror of Pete.
Pete, as I scream at my TV during every episode of Mad Men, can go fuck himself and then come out of his OBVIOUS closet.
Meanwhile, Don and Bets get stuck at some country club (where we run into stables guy) and are treated to a bathing suit fashion show (in honor of Memorial Day, obviously.) Don decided to ditch Bets and the kids because he wants to go have sex with Bobbie, the vixen married to Jimmy, the asshole comedian. Don and Bobbie have been hooking up, even after they got in a drunken car accident on the way to do ‘it’ at the beach and Peggy saved the day. Why did Peggy save the day? Because Don’s the only one that knows about her love child/trip to the looney bin. Anyway, it kind of freaks Don out to discover that Bobbie (another fabulous dressed cougar) has 2 kids. None the less, they hook up until Bobbie reveals that Don lives up to his reputation.
Don flips, ties her hands to the bedpost and splits.
Um, what the fuck, Don? Girls talk. And you fuck around. Don’t pretend to be so shocked.
All ticked off, Don heads home to find Bets modeling a bikini she picked up at the fashion show. Don screams that she’s desperate and Bets responds, “I didn’t realize.”
Fuck you, Don Draper. You send your wife to a shrink, get the shrink to secretly reveal what she tells him, screw any woman in a mink stole and STOLE SOMEONE’s IDENTITY and Bets, not that I’m a fan, is the desperate one?
(Sorry. Calling a woman desperate is a point of contention with me.)
Anyway, Don ends up in his underwear staring at his chiseled perfectness in the mirror.
This was a pretty boring episode as the Roger/Joan factor was appallingly low. Plus we got no sweet Harry Crane, but some goofy sideline about “Duck” and his dog.
Duck? None of us care about Duck.
You know who we care about?