Thursday, August 14, 2008

so, uh, how's the food...

I can't believe I'm typing this, but I am freaking out because the California Department of Corrections and Rehabilitation's website is down, including their "How to Locate and Contact an Inmate" section.
And believe it or not, I need to locate an inmate!
I knew my Prison Pen Pal was being moved (oh yes, I have a prison pen pal) and he was apparently transfered right before my latest letter got to him. Every day, I'd run to the mailbox convinced anther gem would arrive any day. Imagine my horror to get my letter back with the dramatic "NIC: Not in Custody" scrawled on it.
This actually may be a blessing, as Hastings came to hang out at my office when I was working late on Monday and law student that he is, noticed my returned letter immediately.
"What the fuck is that?"
"My letter to my prison pen pal was returned."
I couldn't believe I hadn't told Hastings about this. If you've been within a block of me the past 2 weeks, it's all I can talk about. Ask Vansmack.
"Can I read it?" He asked. Eh, why not? It needs a new envelope anyway, once, of course, I locate my inmate. The second I said "Sure," he tore that thing open like it contained the cure for cancer.
Slowly Hastings read, finally getting to the second page. "Um, you can't say this?"
"Why not?" I rolled my eyes and took a sip of my wine. (Oh yes, I have wine at work.)
"This is sending the wrong message."
Upon re-reading my hand-written missive on purple binder paper, I had to concede Hastings had a point. I should probably omit the personal family and dating details, as well as girly cursive on purple paper. Melissa pointed out I was one step away from spritzing it with Love's Baby Soft and a lipstick kiss mark at the end.
I think my friends are being slightly alarmist, but I'm heeding their advice and adjusting my casual tone.
Now I'm just got to find the current prison of my pal and I can't because our crappy government can't fix their CDCR website. I could not be more disappointed...

*On topic, Kate pointed out in the comments that Scott Peterson may have HIV. I am currently researching this sad development and while initial information seems to be rumor based, I will obviously keep you updated. I mean, I know a thing or two about Death Row and shower sex is kinda frowned upon. Free Scott!

And also, off topic, she sent me this:

18 comments:

Anonymous said...

Oh my god I forgot to tell you! It's Kate by the way. The other day I heard on the radio that Scott Peterson has contracted HIV in prison! Ahh.

Becky said...

You shouldn't worry about it unless he asks you for a conjugal visit. But we know that you may be too, um...mature for his taste.

Sweet Melissa said...

I repeat for the hundredth time my STRENOUS objection to this pen-pal relationship. I'd be less alarmed if you were taking up crack-smoking.

And also: That video may be the best thing I've ever seen.

Spots said...

Who are you, Jo Galloway?

"I strenuously object?" Is that how it works? Hm? "Objection." "Overruled." "Oh, no, no, no. No, I STRENUOUSLY object." "Oh. Well, if you strenuously object then I should take some time to reconsider."

Anonymous said...

Umm, Hastings Here. Ahem. Mel and I are going to start an organization. Its going to be called Stop Beth from talking to convicts. And "I will make it my personal mission" that Beth never has a Belvedere Gibson, a glass of Sauvignon Blanc or Pinot Noir until she stops this friendship.

Generic said...

First: Busting out the Sorkin? Awesome. Are there any situations where busting Sorkin is not awesome? No, there are not.

Second: It seems reasonable to take into account what he was convicted for. If homeboy was tilling a pot farm, I would see little cause for concern. Also, which prison gang is he affiliated with? La Eme? Nuestra Familia? (I think membership in the Aryan Brotherhood is a disqualifier for a true progressive like Beth.)

We, the internets, need more background before we rush to judgment.

Spots said...

1: Generic, I love that you got that!

2: I would like to respectfully request that my friends not reveal the exact nature of the crime.

3: The pen pal is a work colleague whom I've known for years. When my former boss came in the office this afternoon, a former laywer herself and relatively conservative mother of two, I showed her the first letter I received. Knowing said pen pal well, she started to cry, gave me a huge hug and asked for his address. So you all can suck it...

vansmack said...

Screw you! I'll tell the world what he did because I love you that much.

So first he XX XXXX XX XXXX XXXXXX XXXXX XXXXXX. But that wasn't all...turns out he XXXX XXX XXXXXXX XXXXXXX XXX XXXXXXX XXXXXX XXXXXX XXXXX XXXXX XXXX XXXXX. And to top it all of he's XXXX XXXXX XX XXXXXXX XXXX XXXXX XXXXXX!

Cant you believe that? And she writes him? Unbelievable.

[Edited by Blog Owner]

Leslie/Miss Havisham said...

I encourage the prison pen pal system. I mean has anything awful happened from the service? If so then I'll just shut it, but I've always wanted to do it. I would get a post office box for myself though. I totally want to write Richard Ramirez but I don't know how I feel about being one in his harem of female psychos

According to his Lost Vault profile he's into art and drawing landscapes and animals. I totally want him to paint me a picture. Talk about owning the most fucked up piece of americana ever.

Generic said...

Kiddie porn. Has to be kiddie porn.

Greg said...

I realize that some white people freak out about Obama and all, but if you've seen him dance you do realize he's 1/2 One Of Us.

He's the Tuvok of this election. God Bless Him.

Maria said...

It's nice you take the time to do that.

Anonymous said...

I Miss Love's Baby Soft.

Before you clarified you knew him I was going to recommend a PO Box and nom de plume and say go for it.

Anonymous said...

Just started bawling at that Obama video. Now gonna eat a huge spoonful of peanut butter. PMS 4EVA!

Seana said...

Vansmack, bold move. Spots, before you clarified that you knew this person "on the outside" I was going to tell you "you are out of your mind." Now, I have to say " just be careful, as this person is still incarcerated, and they don't do that for nuthin. LOVE the response to M by the way. Hilarious all the time!

Anonymous said...

Wow, you people are pretty ignorant. All people in prison aren't dangerous.

Anonymous said...

Wow, you people are pretty ignorant. All people in prison aren't dangerous.

Spots said...

The only thing I hate more than my friends telling me not to have a prison pen pal is some stranger showing up, not getting it and calling my friends ignorant. Go back to your boring hippie blogs and leave us alone. You are clearly no fun at all...