Friday, August 29, 2008

oh, and also, apparently camelhair is back in *UPDATED*

I read a lot of men's magazines. I'd like to disclaim that I don't do this to gain insight into the mysterious and magical world of men. I already possess said insight and you're all a bunch of shitheads. However, after 30 years of Cosmo quizzes and tips on how to make my hair shiny, I discovered the glory of Esquire and Details and I'm never going back to that "3 exercises you can do at your desk" bullshit again.
Anyway, this month's Details has a fabulous piece entitled, "Are you That Guy?" with 56 examples of crimes committed by That Guy. Here are my favorites:
1: You initiate fist bumps.
7: You wave someone along even though they have the right of way.
9: You own a Manchester United jersey. (Vansmack's about to blow UP in the comments.)
13: You offer to buy a cigarette from people outside bars.
16. You say, "My bad."
18: You say, "We're pregnant."
21: You preface statements with "spoiler alert."
22: You don't wash last night's admission stamp off your hand.
32: You describe anything good as "sick."
39: You refer to money as "Benjamins," dead presidents," "ducats" or "coin."
40: You bitch about your contractor at parties.
45: You refer to any last stop bar as "the 19th hole."
48: You own a wine rabbit.
51: You use the phrase "flyover states."
54: You wear DJ headphones.
Also included were the obvious "You quote Borat, Office Space, etc." and "You have a downloaded ringtone." Not on the list, but equal to the fist bump is the high-five. That Guy also owns a watch with one of those huge, 4" wide leather straps and re-pushes elevator buttons.
Please feel free to add your own. Then let's e-mail this post to all of Those Guys...
*I'm adding Ironic T-Shirts. You can take the "That Guy" quiz RIGHT HERE and see the entire list. And hey, tell us your score...


Brett said...

I am, or have been guilty of, #'s 1 (with our head of security only!), 9, and 48.

Leslie/Miss Havisham said...

That Guy is also way into Monty Python and The Princess Bride and all that British comedy that makes me die a little inside.

Oh yeah and Adam Sandler...shudder.

Anonymous said...

You pop your collar.

vansmack said...

Just a correction on #1:

1: You read men's magazines.

TK said...

I would say "You wear flip-flops at any location other than the beach," but sadly, it seems that flip-flops have moved well into mainstream acceptance.

Spots said...

I steal my father's Esq. and I still get Joe's Details, which I refuse to forward on to him. It's not like I pay for this brilliance.
Although, I do actively subscribe to Vanity Fair, San Francisco Magazine and Gourmet...

alex said...

- You wear crooked baseball hats
- Your proud of your dancing ability
- You have faded sunglasses
- You live in the Marina

Eve said...

I want to defend downloaded ringtones, yet I'm too tired (great party last night, Beth!) to care.

But I will add: anyone who uses "bro" or its bastard offspring, "brah" to address people. I am including the users' actual brothers in this statement.

Anyone who refers to bartenders as "mixologists."

At the gym, you drop weights, fail to wipe off machines, offer unsolicited commentary on my activity/appearance...I guess, if you talk to me at the gym at all. Fuck you, I'm not there to talk to you, can't you see the look on my face? This is not my "please come chat" look.

eirikur said...

I'd add:

-Use the term "bro" and/or pronounce it as "bra"
-While fast forwarding television shows using your DVR, you'll stop and rewind the "Girls Gone Wild" commercials
-Own a hoodie costing more than $50

The the quiz is online.

Some of my favorites were:

2. You order foreign dishes in an accent.

4. You use any word Stephen Colbert invented.

11. You put your BlackBerry on the table when you sit down at a restaurant.

34. You refer to a trip to the gym as a "legs day."

According to the quiz's results, my "'That Guy' temperature" is "Cool". This is accompanied by some explanatory text and a picture of Matthew Perry. Wow. Mathew Perry being relevant to readers of this magazine explains a lot about the quiz.

Sweet Melissa said...

I hope they make that shirt in a size small, because I am That Guy. I scored "Hot." My love of flip flops and Colbert apparently makes me douchebag. Whatever. My Bad.

Anonymous said...

You talk about working out hours longer than you actually work out, about yesterday's sweet workout and today's workout, and yet you don't have the body of, well, anyone.

You also walk through the office like it's your high school f-ing quad saying 'Hey guy' to your seniors and people you don't know.

Molly Crosland said...

To add to TK's comments about flip-flops... you wear said flip-flops with faded jeans that are much to long, which makes them drag on the floor and thus dirty and shreded. Yuck! (ditto for women who do this too!)

vansmack said...

I too am "hot."

My only question - does ordering Guinness in an Irish Brogue count as ordering foreign dishes in an accent?

I also laughed aloud at: 50: You name your kid after a character in To Kill a Mockingbird.

Anonymous said...

Well, yeah I do have leg days and upper body days at the gym. And I have pet names for muscle groups (lats traps, quads n hammies). But I say brah cos' it's my birthright.

The Beated Generation said...

You wear flip flops at inappropriate times.

You pay the door fee at "the club," whichever douche infested one it is.

Your girlfriend was a slutty referee for halloween.

You're sporting a pair of khaki chinos you bought in a 3-pack at Costco.

You own a croakie.

Brock said...

can we have a "that girl" thread? like, ladies who pretend to be into sports, and say "we got schooled" or "we got spanked" with regard to said sports within earshot of men?

that's all i have right now.