Friday, August 29, 2008

in support of aids and david duchovny...

I love how I get all dolled up and by the time I get to Harvey's in the Castro, my make-up is sliding down my face, my fabulous 'do is sticking to my neck and the lining of my skirt twisted itself into some kind of complex polyester oragami and yet Melissa works till late, hoofs and cabs it across town in heels, dashes into Harvey's and looks like a fucking magazine photo shoot.
I pulled my disgusting hair into a ponytail, shot the BFF a dirty look and figured, fuck it. It's a gay bar.
Which brings me to, THANK YOU!
Thank you gorgeous, fabulous and generous friends and friends of friends who came out last night to drink for AIDS! Okay, well, to drink to stop AIDS. Whatever. Semantics. Boring ol' us raised $2,000 for the Stop AIDS Project just by drinking. Awesome.
And in equally important news, David Duchovny is going to rehab.
For sex addiction.
Which reminds me! I never told you the story of when I went to a Sex Addicts Anonymous meeting. Or have I told you that story? I can't remember. Either way, here it is.
A million years ago, when I was in college in Philadelphia, I spent my summers back home hanging out with my friends, one of whom was slightly older than me and obsessed with her therapist. We'll call her Kathy and she was fucking hilarious. She'd say things like, "Wanna go smoke weed and sit in a parked car outside my therapist's house?"
Yes. Yes, I do.
So this therapist told Kathy she was co-dependent, which may or may not be true. I'm still not sure of the definition of co-dependent and how it applied to Kathy. But Kathy was instructed to attend a CoDA meeting (Co-Dependents Anonymous) and the closest (literally and figuratively) thing she could find was SLAA (Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous.)
"Wanna go to a Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous meeting with me?"
Hell yes. Yes I do.
The meeting was held in a Unitarian Church conference room and nervously, we were the last to enter. You should have seen the looks on our faces, delicately stepping inside the room like we were really looking for a toilet and just stumbled into this sex meeting. Everyone sits around the conference table and the leader or facilitator or whatever kicks it off with the usual 12 step stuff. What I mainly remember from this is that you weren't allowed to "cross-talk" which means interrupt or interject. That would not be a problem for me as I was only there as a spectator. And a frightened one at that. The group was maybe 12 or 15 people. At 20, I was by far the youngest and easilly, the least experienced. For some reason, and I'm sure it was optional but due to the small group it felt manditory, we all introduced ourselves.
Which went a little somethin' like this:
Hi, my name is Susan (Hi Susan) and I am a Love Addict. I fall in love with pretty much any man I meet and spiral into a deep depression if I'm not madly in love with someone. Anyone.
Hi, my name is Mark (Hi Mark) and I am a Sex Addict. My wife is pissed at me, I'm sleeping in my office and I meet people on Craigslist for sex every day.
Hi, my name is Stanley (Hi Stanley) and I am a Sex Addict. Today is a really good day for me. I haven't masturbated in 4 hours. (congratulatory and encouraging nods. Stan seemed to be a regular at SLAA.)
Hi, my name is Amy (Hi Amy) and I'm a Love Addict. My husband left me 4 years ago and I am still in love with him. I'm happy for you, Stanley, but today is a bad day for me, I guess. Today's my birthday. (Someone tried to mutter "Happy Birthday" until the "No cross-talk!" rule was shouted across the room.)
It was becoming clear that all the chicks were love addicts and all the guys were sex addicts. I leaned over to Kathy. "Typical."
But it was her turn.
"Hi, I'm Kathy (Hi Kathy) and I'm actually neither a sex nor a love addict. I'm co-dependent. My therapist made me come. (No one seemed to have a problem with this.)
Oh shit. It was my turn. And here's what I came up with.
"Hi, I'm Beth (Hi Beth) and I'm here in support of Kathy."
This too, seemed to be a non-issue. I guess gawker friends tag along all the time. Neat! Moving on...
"Hi, I'm Terrence (Hi Terrence) and I am a Sex Addict. I have had sex with 5, 348 people."
I particularly remember 'Terrence' because he 1) kept track and 2) used the word "people" as if at this point, gender had become indiscriminate. This is who I was sitting next to. Fuckin' 5K Terrence.
Anyway, the rest of the meeting must have gotten really boring because I was either staring at Stanley, wondering if he would excuse himself at any minute or alternately, make it to hour 5 and thinking to myself, "I could so get laid in like, 20 minutes based on eye contact alone."
We left, got in the car and made fun of everyone.
Which is the end of my "Did I ever tell you about the time I went to a Sex Addicts Anonymous meeting?" story.
And why I now find myself here in support of David Duchovny...


Be_Devine said...

So, if you're a sex addict, is the ninth step to apologize to everyone you've ever had sex with? Cuz that could be really awkward. And, for Terrence at least, very time consuming.

And to whom does Stanley apologize? His mom who walked in on the launch of his 15th load for the evening?

So, so many questions.

Big jer said...

Thanks beth!!!

Anonymous said...

Too Funny. I've been blessed to see Sweet Melissa live and in color. I think she has a traveling glam squad that she's not fessing up to. Oh and genetics has something to do with it also. Find out what her secret is and post it in detail (book, chapter and verse). Love your blog.

Spots said...

"I've been blessed to see Sweet Melissa live and in color?"
Are you the creepy guy that follows us around the park?
Well, I can report that I frequently spend up to 72 hours straight with this bitch and she pretty much rolls out of bed flawless. It's a testament to her brilliance and hilarity that I tolerate her gorgeous ass...

Sweet Melissa said...

Beth, What are you talking about? You looked marvelous on Thursday night!! We really must stop getting dressed up to just to hang with gay men.

@anonymous - My secret is that I hang out with Beth, who is love and laughter personified. Which is good for the skin. And also, y'all are obviously nearsighted.