Thursday, June 19, 2008

kuwait a minute...

This morning, I boarded a plane for JFK and upon discovery that it would be continuing on to Kuwait City, pretty much texted everyone I knew and stated the obvious, "OMG."
I even called Brian. Brian, who stood on his curb this morming, in his jammies helping me park my car at his house and arranging for my taxi to the airport.
"Kuwait?" He screamed.
"I know. We're boarding right now. It looks like the cast of Flight 93."
I gave Brian my blogger password, so he could tell the world, "Dudes. My flight is going to Kuwait."
I had an iced coffee. I read People. I slept.
6 hours later, I landed in New York. I believe at one point, I wrote in my journal, "No action from anything Kuwait-themed. Bummer."
When I landed, now here in New York, the pilot informed us we could turn on out phones as we taxied to the gate.
I turned on my phone.
Beep.
Beep.
Beep. Beep.
Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.
beepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeep...
You get the idea.
More importantly, Brian and Mel were HYSTERICAL.
"People are flipping out! OMG! It's all my fault! (yep.) I'll delete it! (don't.) They're calling you names! (eh.) Call Mel! (hollers Brian.) Call Brian! (screams Mel.)"
Um, Brian, what did you write?
He read it to me.
Dear two people who disapproved and one shithead who's a fucking pussy,
1. Thanks for joining us mid-program. I'm glad you're kosher with my snide observations and judgement of children, elderly, cripples, hobos, gays, straights, Americans, foreigners, the holocaust, the tsunami, Hurricane Katrina, nerds, prom queens, people from the suburbs, the rich and the poor. I didn't realize I might strike a nerve with a ref to the soverign emirate of Kuwait.
My bad.
2. If you were getting on a plane, thinking you're going to New York and find out the plane is eventually bound for Kuwait, would you take a moment and notice? Really. Ask yourself. I mean, they make it pretty clear. They put photos of Kuwait City on flat screens. Or maybe you're too busy recycling, giving money to Hari Krishnas, not using oil and looking for shit to get pissed about to actively pretend that Kuwait is totally as standard as, say, Kauai.
3. What? Too soon?

I'm glad we stirred some shit up today. For the record, those weren't my words. But for the record, they might as well have been.
Lighten up. But if you can't, I stick my name and my mug by everything I write. Try it some time. It feels honest.
And don't upset Brian. My voicemail doesn't have that much storage.
I'm off to hang with 72 virgins!
Spots...

PS: We landed safe and sound. What are the odds!

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

I love you. I really, really love you.

Patricia Appelquist said...

Strangely, I wasn't offended by the post.
I am more concerned with Beth becoming a mass murder and blogging about it...

Once again the iconic and original statement rings true even to me...a mere mortal who hopes to die one day because she laughed so hard reading this blog.

Take nothing here seriously.

Sweet Melissa said...

Mrs. Griffwood,

Just when I thought I couldn't love you more....

-Mrs. Griffwood

PS - get your ass back here!!

Becky said...

People are so up tight, fuck PC...seriously...

Being PC contributes to the pussification of America.

Be_Devine said...

Oh, Bethy, you're brilliant. If I could only write as well as you, I wouldn't have caused such a kerfuffle.

If only people could take little a lesson from my friends who live on Avenue Q:

Ethnic jokes might be uncouth,
But you laugh because
They're based on truth.
Don't take them as
Personal attacks.
Everyone enjoys them -
So relax!

P.S. - What your wife said. I miss you already.

Big Jerry! said...

Beth, these people are MORONS who obviously can't read. Move on!
Iced Coffee?.. No complimentary hummus or kabobs?? Lame.

big jer said...

P.S.
KuWAIT a minute...
LOL. Gold.

vansmack said...

You should have stayed on that plane - Kuwait City puts NYC to shame. The Persian Gulf is much nicer than the East River or the Hudson, and the culture there is what certain neighborhoods in NYC pretend to be.

You also missed your best shot at a sugar daddy - they're loaded in Kuwait. All of them. Ever wonder why you had to fly coach? Because those Kuwaiti's that made you feel uneasy bought up all the first class seats.

vansmack said...

Two more thoughts.

(1) What self resepcting blogger can't post to their blog from their cell phone in June of 2008?

(2) What self preofessed "late twenty something" doesn't fly Virgin America direct from SFO to JFK? Tsk. Tsk.