Wednesday, June 11, 2008

it's that time of the month again...

Dear Spots and Ben:
I'm a 16-year-old high school girl. I'm friendly, cheerful, religious and an honors student.
I am also addicted to pornography.
Over the past few years I have been an on-again, off-again addict. I'll look, feel good, feel bad, swear never to do it again, stay clean for a few months and then start again.
A few months ago I told my mother what I was doing, and she agreed to monitor the situation. But I know how to delete my online history, so she doesn't know I'm doing it again.
I'm scared. I'm a virgin and would like to stay that way. But I'm starting to feel apathetic toward my grades, I'm thinking more about sex, I have lost respect for most of the opposite sex, and I'm one step from acting out.
If I tell Mom, I know she'll take away my computer. The best friends I have are online. I'll be isolated if she takes it away. I'm also not sure I want to quit looking. It makes me feel good and keeps me from being stressed, but my religion and the changes in my behavior tell me it's wrong.
I mentioned it to my school counselor once. She said I'm just "expressing my sexuality in my own way." Is she right? Or do I need help? What should I do?

Dear Slut,
This sounds like the beginning of a Penthouse letter. I bet you're a buxom cheerleader whose folks are out of town, too.
Assuming you actually exist, I’m not sure you’re actually addicted. I mean, you “stay clean” for a few MONTHS and then check out a little YouPorn? Big deal. Welcome to my world. Losing respect for the opposite sex is just part of becoming an adult, as is “acting out.” I once “acted out” in the ladies room of a…Nevermind.
My point is, you’re sixteen. You’re supposed to withdraw from society and obsess about sex. Stop telling your mom about it, though. Shit.
But you are correct about one thing. If you watch too much porn, you will cease to be a virgin. Jesus told me so. You probably already have a touch of the ole’ clap. Relax, relax. This is why God invented antibiotics and abortions.
If you’re that opposed to porn, maybe you could find another addiction that will make you “feel good” and keep you from “being stressed.” Like meth. Or cutting yourself.
Otherwise, I’d like you to meet my friend Grey Cloud. You sound right up his alley.
Yours in Sin,
Dear Addicted and Ashamed,
Let me start by saying I’m stunned you even exist. I feel like one of the guys in Weird Science; my dream concoction of a woman has come to life through some freak science experiment gone awry and written a letter to Dear Abby. Bravo.
That being said, let me try to offer you some honest advice, rather than ramble on about the fact that you are a virgin-catholic high school-porn addict (which sounds like a porno in itself).
Watching porn isn’t so much a slippery slope, something that will instantly turn you into Caligula and send you sliding down the long boner to hell, as a means to an end, that end being sanity and fun.
Chances are you aren’t so much an addict as a human being. A human being who likes porn, a common thread throughout all of humanity. People like to bone. People like to see other people bone because it reminds them of boning. Add the internet, the ability to see any number of people bone in any combination you like in a matter of seconds, a virtual bone factory….who needs to go to heaven anyway?
Which brings me to my next point: Religion is dumb. But you’ll learn that in college. I’d say let loose now, enjoy your porno, and don’t let some book written thousands of years ago (which, keep in mind, is longer ago than Aesop’s Fables, just sayin’), make you feel guilty about enjoying watching some people get down. They enjoy it, or at least pretend to, and there’s no reason you shouldn’t either. Otherwise all this pent up denial will explode in college and you’ll lose your virginity while puking up GHB onto a miniscule dormitory bed.
So I say stop telling your mom, light a few candles, grab a banana, watch some porno, and have at it.


Anonymous said...

Great advice! Now if you will excuse me I have to go surf the web...

Chris Jackson said...

The Internet is for Porn. Porn, porn, porn.

vansmack said...

Spots, we should really start sharing our favorite youporn clips.

Becky said...

I would just like to remind you about who turned you onto youporn! You should send me flowers or something...

Anonymous said...

That would be a hotter picture if your arms were around me.