Tuesday, May 27, 2008

pinching a loaf, etc...

You can imagine my delight at logging onto SFGate first thing this morning and reading about prison life. Talking about getting up on the right side of the bed.
I was particularly taken with this quote from an inmate named "Lexy" currently incarcerated a mere 15 minutes from my childhood home. "We segregate amongst ourselves because I'd rather hang out with white people, and blacks would rather hang out with people of their own race," said Good, 33, of Walnut Creek. "Look at suburbia. Look at Oakland. Look at Beverly Hills. People in society self-segregate."
I really like how, according to Lexy (!), all black people prefer to live in Oakland and all white people prefer to live in Beverly Hills. Finally, someone with answers. So Lexy goes on to talk about the unspoken rules of prison life and much like my wife, I chose to do some research.
Melissa spends days sitting at The Fairmont with her laptop investigating complicated legal issues like she's reading In Style. Hey bitch, I can do that too.
Sorta.
I simply googled "unspoken prison rules."
Which is when I fell in love.
Oh yes. You heard right. I met my first husband by googling "unspoken prison rules." The rest, my friends, will be history and one hell of an episode of Oprah.
"Jonathan" it seems, made the unfortunate decision to lie on his Federal Student Loan Application and ended up doing 6 months in the clink. But, resourceful little felon that he is, Jonathan has turned his experience into a lucrative business opportunity with his website and book, "Federal Prison: A Comprehensive Survival Guide."
Go Jonathan!
You guys...you've got to explore this website fully. It's Tuesday, it's not like you're really going to do any work today and I'm giving you one hell of a link. I mean, my god! Topics include:

Commissary
Counts
Clothing & Linen Issue
Feeding
Hygiene (nice)
Law Library
Personal Property
Reading Material
Recreation
Searches
Telephone Calls
Visitation
Inmate Bedding
Inmate Clothing Attires (my main concern)
Cell Lights
Cell Appearance (fabulous. duh)

I am actually considering investing $67 in this masterpiece since I'll get it back in alimony anyway. Plus, I'm not fiscally sophisticated enough to get charged with a white collar crime, but I can see myself getting a little out of control as a cult leader in which case, I might end up in jail and a comprehensive overview of "Inmate Bedding" would be incredibly helpful.
Actually, Jonathan has some really great teasers in the selling of his book, such as "What to do when offered a 'gift' by another inmate" and "How to navigate the black market."
I'd be all, "Hey Red, I need a rock hammer!" but maybe Jonathan has some better ideas. Like the tempting treasure, "How to watch TV as a new inmate without starting a confrontation."
Awesome. I mean, really. Awesome...

6 comments:

Becky said...

Steve would have been such a great resource for you. A shame really...

Indigo said...

some of my best dates have come in women's prisons...oh no, wait, that's the L Word....well, I'm sure I'd find a nice husband there anyway...

alex said...

R.I.P. Brooks

Sweet Melissa said...

Hmm...maybe I should start researching subjects that allow me to meet more men. There are a lot of prisoners who spend their time studying law...

DJTennessee said...

If I'm to believe the "When there were no crawdads, we would eat dirt" prison scene from Raising Arizona, they have been integrating prison cellmates since very early in the Coen Brothers' career.

Brett said...

I'm sure you've already perused his blog...

http://www.federal-prison.org/blogging.php