Friday, May 02, 2008

it's probably me...

GhettoGym never, ever fails to disappoint. 
Just for the record, I didn't move from the eliptical because I was working out next to a guy with Downs Syndrome, I moved because a treadmill suddenly became available. And because God is always watching and judging, as soon as the treadmill next to me became available, I was forced to work out next a cast member from The Hills. It was if she leapt from the pages of some type of fashion forward fitness/safe tanning/natural beauty magazine to make me feel like a low end drag queen/female rugby player. At least the retarded guy made me feel smart. 
As I have learned in my years of sporadic gym attendance, girls like this don't go to the gym alone. They always have some guy with a bicep barbed wire tattoo making sure no one talks to their property. I immediately started looking around for the likely suspect. I didn't have to wait long, mainly because he came up and took her bottled water as she ran UPHILL on that treadmill like she was running for her life. 
When I tell you that this chick was perfect, I'm not kidding. Shit, I'd fuck her. And yet her boyfriend was on the other side of town from hot. He was wearing those super shiny, too big basketball shorts and a sleeveless black t-shirt, in addition to the requisite indoor baseball hat. Worse, he was stretching in front of the mirror (why does this require Evian?) and as he stretched, leaning back and forth with his legs spread, admiring his douchebaggery, he framed his package with his hands. 
Like right out there, without a care in the world. 
Talk about retarded. 
If a guy like that can snag my treadmill neighbor, I'm going to need to start adopting cats. But then I thought about it. Shit, I've pulled guys a hell of lot hotter and hipper than this goober, and I can't mosey at that incline, much less do it in a flimsy tank top with a built-in bra. I was perplexed, really because I didn't want to do that obvious, "Oh, hot blonde chick must be dumb." Hey, I'm all for sisterhood. 
I'm sure she's a rocket scientist. 
Who dates a guy who frames his manhood with his hands in front of a public mirror.
Who'm I kidding? Some stereotypes are apparently true. So I ask you, who's the real retard...

8 comments:

Generic said...

Perhaps you metrics are a little bit whack.

Or maybe other people's metrics are not the same as yours.

Becky said...

Um, more importantly, was he well endowed? Come on Beth, you know what we (meaning me) really want to know about...

Anonymous said...

I'd say if he has to "frame" his unit, that alone would suggest there's some overcompensation. find out if he drives a very very loud motorcycle or a red sports car.

grey cloud said...

as george carlin says about the barbed wire tattoo "come around when you got the real shit on there...i'll squeeze it on good and tight for ya"

Anonymous said...

Now far be it from me to contradict the blogoddess, but I have to play devil's advocate here. Sometimes a stretch is more effective when you thump on the ligament being stretched. I'd say palpate but that sounds just so wrong. Anyway, the guy coulda been thumping on the inner thigh ligaments while stretching. It'd look like he was karate chopping his nether regions.

aapineda said...

Maybe they were just playing the stereotypes in order to appear cool. Perhaps he is overcompensating for getting beat up in junior high for reading his own poetry in front of his English class. Maybe, when they got home, she changed into a demure poplin dress and he into seersucker pajamas before settling into their rocking chairs and conversing about their feelings.

That's my hope, anyway. Otherwise we're left to wonder what kind of person, in real life and with self-evident pride, acts like a Will Ferrell outtake? And if his personal life includes dating could-be cast members from "The Hills," does that mean his professional life involves putting on a suit and dealing with us? What if he's a doctor? Or a chef?

Now I don't want to leave the house.

vansmack said...

Did you at least take a picture for us?

thescreaminglady said...

to "devil's advocate" out there: karate-chopping his nether regions? Are you kidding me? More reason to save it for private quarters. Like when treadmill chick has a headache and the new issue of Playboy shows up. Seeeeeeriously!