Friday, May 16, 2008

it's raining guys...

In retrospect, I spent a great deal of my life afraid of straight men. You can hardly blame me. They're fucking scary creatures. As opposed to your gay. A good gay is like a Glinda the Good Witch with a dick and an attitude. 
So basically, perfect and well dressed. 
But in the past few years, I've become very close with some magnificent straight guys. 
You know when someone is described as "a good guy"? 
As in, "No, really. He's not like that. He's a good guy."
Yeah, I've got some of those. Really good guys. Good, funny, cute, smart straight guys are my friends! OMG. Who knew? 
Note I omitted the word 'single'. Many of them are taken, and rightly so. 
One even got engaged this very night! 
After all, they're good guys. 
I love my good guys. I really do love them.
I'm amazed at how not scary they are, how they show up when they say they're going to show up, how they call when they say they're going to call, how they mock me to no end but will help me move furniture and buy me party ice and roll their eyes when a 'not good guy' has done me wrong, saying, "He was a douche, Spots. I always thought so. Fuck him."
I love my good guys. I really do love them. 
Mainly because they'll watch Forensic Files with me and, in the instance of Big Chris, get me nail polish remover. I really could've gotten up myself, it was just in the bathroom, but Big Chris always makes a big display of treating me like a boy. I wanted to see if he'd do it. And after like, 35 minutes he did. 
Now this will not happen again. I mean, I argued with a cop for 35 minutes, which ended with him walking 20 feet away, and then returning with nail polish remover. I'm amazed he still speaks to me. 
But he does. He shows up early. He calls me back. He takes out my recycling. He's a good guy. 
Well folks, I announce with great excitement, that one of those good guys who's been away for a very long time is coming home!
I just sent the following e-mail to my dear friend who has been protecting your right to be an asshole:
"The marvelous thing about actual mail is that I've been checking my mailbox with baited breath every fucking day and then suddenly, red and blue foreign envelope! From the military! That can only mean one thing!
And then the news that you're on your way home!
I don't care if I'm the last one to know. I got to find out the best way.
Hazaa! Thank god! And alive, even!
I could not be more excited to sit in the corner of Lil's with you and hear everything.
Back!!!!!! Fabulous...."

Yay! Another good guy to bring party ice...

*I trying to find you a good MOI blog to link to, I found this jem and had a moment...


sfmike said...

I hate to be perverse, but straight guys right now are way cooler and more charming than most gay guys, and this is coming from an old gay libber from the 1970s. There are exceptions, of course, but you really should start taking advantage of this temporal bounty.

seany said...

I thought about extolling my great qualities here, then I decided that it would just make me sound desperate. Plus, that's what OkCupid is for. So forget it.

Anyhow, Spots, I wish you the best of luck in your quest to find good straight guys.

ljlkc said...

Welcome home, Serviceman!