Saturday, April 26, 2008

turns out, there's no "a" in sentence...

Folks, let's just prep for tonight's big date with Jason Lee.
What to wear!?!?!?! Should I wear my glasses? Yeah, I should. Cuz I'm so smart/alternative.
Okay, let's examine. He's a Scientologist. He has a kid named Pilot. He's single. He's snarky.
He's perfect!
Alright, he's not on my Top 5 (Peter Sarsgaard, Will Arnett, Ryan Gosling, Kenneth the Page and Roberto Benigni...obviously) but I'm willing to settle. Shit, these days, that hobo who rejected my leftover "mixed field greens" in the doorway of the Boys Club is looking cleaner. ANYway, I have the opportunity to make out with Jason Lee in a coat check room tonight and I won't fuck it up this time!
I've been told I am allowed to meet him in the "greeting line."
We all know what this means...I have once sentence to endear myself. And one sentence only. This very sentence could mean the difference between sucking face by the gratis crab cakes and being escorted out by female security guards.
I've been practicing in my car.
"So Lee? Is that Asian?"
"I'd be thinner if you'd pay for a trainer."
"I'm such a fan! A slutty one. If you get my drift. Because if you don't, it means I'll go to your hotel room, like, right now. And do stuff. And by stuff, I mean...oh shit, it depends. What do you have in mind? Oh, fuck it. If it's legal in Cambodia, it's legal with me!"
No?
Oh golly. These are not good sentences.
Help!
No really. Help*...
*Nevermind. He's a fucking nut. He's NUTS!!! And never heard of the Golden Girls. And doesn't have a sense of humor about it. I'm saving this tale for Culture Blog, but FYI, Jason Lee is insane and Rose McGowan is way cooler...*
*But I shouldn't really talk shit because I spent last night kicking Mel whenever she stole the covers, I had a Diet Coke for breakfast and I just cried at the end of October Sky on USA...

8 comments:

grey cloud said...

"i'm kind of a big deal...people know me"

"if i were you i'd fuck me"

"can you set my friend up with jaime pressly?

"sleeping with me will greatly affect your career"

"how much do you regret making alvin and the chipmunks?"

"how much do you not regret working with ben affleck?"

"teach me to do a frontside 180"

"i want your privates and my privates to do a high five" (credit 30 rock)

"i love your work in 'i love your work'"

"who are you and why are you here?"

....and the list goes on....

-no mushrooms

Anonymous said...

"let's go back to your hotel room and salute your little LRH"

Spots said...

Decisions:
Alright, I'm wearing the BCBG silk dress (because Zoe needs to know and it makes the twins look acceptable), Melissa is once again delving into the depths of friendship and buying her way in so I don't have to go alone, and we're picking one of GC's lines, although we refuse to admit which one.

PS to GC, we're going to TWO before the W. And will think of you. And ask for no mushrooms...

Becky said...

"Wanna Fuck?"

seany said...

"I am soooooooo drunk!"

Generic said...

i can help your cock reach "the state of clear"

Sweet Melissa said...

Sorry about the covers, Bethy. That's what you get for refusing to cuddle.

Venerable Bede said...

If it's a movie or tv star, find the oldest movie they were in, especially if they had a bit part, and say "I loved you in -insert old movie-, what have you done recently?"

As for Jason Lee, I too was gonna make a skateboarding line, but with the added reference to the video for Sonic Youth's "100%".